


Stubborn Love

by Ember2123



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-09 06:36:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12882228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ember2123/pseuds/Ember2123
Summary: Billy ended up at Steve’s house- hands shaking from the cold, body shivering in fear, eyes wet with tears, and hair buzzed down to his scalp.“Billy?” Steve said upon opening the door and seeing his boyfriend on the stoop of his home. “Are you okay? What happened to your hair?” Billy looked up and Steve gasped at his beaten face.“Can I come in?” He asked in a broken whisper.





	1. Not Just a Fight

Neil pressed closer to Billy, his cologne infiltrating and fogging Billy’s head like smoke. He felt his knees quake and his eyes water. 

“Where the hell were you last night, huh?” Neil bit out, his face only inches from Billy’s. “Out fucking your boyfriend, you faggot?” He spat. Billy went to deny it, but Neil had already knocked his feet out from under him and he crashed onto the hard wooden floor. Punches rained down and Billy groaned loudly, trying to turn and shield himself. He felt blood rushing down his cheek, but he wasn’t sure where it was coming from- the pain was everywhere. 

He felt his father’s fist connect with his jaw and Billy brought his arms up to protect his face. Neil ripped them down and apart and shoved a knee straight into his stomach. It knocked the wind out of Billy and pressed hard against his rib cage. Neil stood up quickly and moved so he could kick him brutally, but Billy managed to curl into himself, shielding his chest from his father’s steel toe boots. Neil growled aggressively, kicking Billy in the base of his spine before storming off. After a few minutes of silence passed, Billy whimpered quietly as he uncurled himself from his defensive position on the floor.

He did so warily, Neil’s beatings were thorough and they were never finished before Billy was begging and pleading at his feet. The house was suspiciously quiet and Neil had left the room. Billy started to slowly pick himself up from the floor as his bones popped and muscles cried. Once he was standing, while not as firm as he wanted to be, he dragged himself towards his room. 

Just as he turned the corner, he saw his father stomping angrily down the hall towards him. Billy cursed at the fear that had planted itself in his eyes as his heart lurched. He grabbed at the door frame desperately to keep himself standing as his father grabbed his shirt with one hand and pulled him in close. 

“I’ve been letting you get away with far too much. That ends now.” He said gravely and Billy would have cried out if shock hadn’t already paralyzed him. Neil shoved something heavy into the center of Billy’s sore chest. He looked down with blurry vision and saw his father’s buzzer. He used it often to keep his crew cut short and it was one of the many relics he kept from his time in the army. 

Billy looked up pleadingly to his father with tears in his eyes, “Dad...please-” Billy started in a broken voice, but Neil cut him off with a loud and commanding tone. 

“Either you do it or I will.” Neil said before removing himself entirely and walking out to the front of the house. He left no room for argument, not that Billy would ever argue with Neil. 

The buzzer was heavy and cold in his hands as he pulled himself towards the bathroom. Billy dropped it unceremoniously onto the counter and kicked the door shut. The click of the lock brought relief before the pain caught up and ate that too. 

He braced himself on the counter, using it to hold his beaten body up. Looking into the mirror, he could see a puckered lesion above his brow, presumably from his father’s ring. Billy’s lip was split and gushing, and dark black patches colored his face like a dalmation. He turned on the faucet and warm water streamed out as he began to wash out his wounds. He scrubbed and scrubbed but never felt clean. Like the dried blood had tarnished more than just his skin. The pink water pooled and stained the sink and he wondered if Susan would notice. 

After cleaning up, he dried his face and looked at the offensive clippers laying unassumingly on the laminate countertop. Billy knew that if he waited any longer, his father would kick the door down and start pulling his hair out himself. Knowing this didn’t help Billy move any faster. He loved his hair and it had become the only thing he had control of these days. His Dad’s anger had morphed into his own and he found himself in rage fueled outbursts without even realizing they were happening. 

Looking into the mirror, his shining blue eyes and long blonde locks reminded him of his mother. Her laugh like ringing bells, her hair swaying in the slight California breeze. Beyond the memories, it was the last tangible thing he had of his mother and he was desperate to hold on and never let go. But Neil- he’s surprised that this hadn’t happened sooner. Knowing this didn’t make the pain any less raw, but now he felt stupid for letting it blindside him. 

Billy picked up the buzzer and plugged the end into the outlet. He flipped the switch and it vibrated viciously in his shaky hands. With a wet breath, he shoved the blades straight into his blonde curls and tried not to look. He tried not to feel. It was just hair- It didn’t matter. _It did. I’m so sorry Mom._

The pain in his face and back fell blessedly silent, but was soon replaced with the tightening in his chest and the feeling of metal roughly grazing his scalp. He felt dead as he watched his hair drop to the floor like rotted apples falling from a tree. 

When he finished, Billy ran his hands over his head feeling for patches. Bile rose in his throat at the wrongness of it all. He quickly swiped at the tear tracks on his cheeks and ripped the plug from the wall. He quelled the emotions raging in his chest and opened the bathroom door. The house was dark and Billy could hear the TV playing in the living room. 

With purposeful strides, he walked towards the noise and to his father. He stopped at the entrance of the room and cleared his throat. Neil’s steely eyes focused on him as he forcibly placed the clippers on the table in front of him. Without acknowledging Billy, Neil turned away so he was watching the TV once again. It was never enough, Billy found. 

Running a hand through his short cropped hair, Billy had never felt so alone before. He rushed back to his room and grabbed the jacket that he had tossed onto his bed earlier that day. He patted the pockets, denim scratching his bruised fingers, and found them empty. No keys. Neil must have taken them. Billy felt his breath shortening, as if the walls of the house were closing in on him. He opened his window in a panic and knew that he needed to get out. 

Stepping out into the hallway, he saw that his father hadn’t moved from his spot on the couch and wasn’t likely to for a while. Glancing into the bathroom, Billy saw his hair in a dejected pile on the linoleum but made no moves to clean it up. He knew he would be punished for it later, but now he needed to get away from his father. Returning to his room, he shut the door and grabbed his jacket. The nights were getting colder and, while it did little to keep the chill out, it felt comfortable resting on his shoulders. Almost like he was back in California- his jean jacket pulled tight around him like armor. It was warm back home, unlike the deep freeze of Indiana. 

He struggled out of his window, every sore and beaten part of his body crying out. His boots hit the frosty grass and the cold cut right through his jacket and settled deep into his bones. Then, he started to walk. Without a thought, he began the familiar path towards Harrington’s house. He was used to watching the road pass under him at 60 miles per hour. Now, with his feet hitting the pavement in every second, things seemed slower. Longer. The path harder than it had been before. His fingers itched for a cigarette, but he knew his pack was sitting uselessly in his bedroom.

Steve would take him in for the night like he had done yesterday. He would know what to say too, what to do that would make Billy feel complete again. Thinking back to last night, he hadn’t predicted this. 

He had gone to Steve’s after finding out the Harrington's were out of town on a business trip. That entire house all to themselves, Billy couldn’t pass the opportunity up. He had left late that night and then came home early in the morning- needing time to take a shower, change clothes, and then drive Max and himself to school. Like most Fridays, Max went to the Byer’s house to hang out with her friends. Billy was supposed to pick her up soon, but he was sure that she would find a ride home. She would be fine, but Billy wasn’t too sure that he would be. His jaw ached the faster he walked.

Last night- he knew that Neil would be angry, but he hadn’t expected him to know about Steve. And really, Neil didn’t know shit. It was the same baseless accusations that he had been using as excuses to beat his son for years. If Neil had known, he would have been angrier. A bright red hot fury that would burn Billy out like the embers from a cigarette stub. The punches wouldn’t have stopped and his hair wouldn’t be the only thing missing.

Because Neil would have killed Billy if he knew about the words they spoke to each other like love and promise and devotion. They kissed slowly as time dripped by like sweet honey, acting like the world didn’t matter beyond Steve’s bedroom walls. They hid matching hickeys under their collars and let their touches linger in the light and catch in the dark. They didn’t just fuck that night- they made love. Billy used to think it was a bullshit phrase used by nerds that never got any, but now he knew the difference and it changed everything.

Ever since his mother passed away, he felt alone. Like no one understood him and no one cared enough to try. Neil had beaten the guilt of her death into the very fiber of him. But Steve made him feel loved. A feeling that almost made Billy believe that his mother was staring down at him and _smiling_. He never wanted to feel empty ever again.

His skin was touched pink from the cold and he shivered as the chill creeped down his neck. He didn’t own a hat, he had never never needed one before and never thought he would. Funny, how things change. He was rounding the block and relief hit him when Steve’s house came into view. Before not too long he would be curled up in bed within Steve’s arms. 

He held the image in the forefront of his mind as he climbed the few stairs to reach the front door. His fists fell heavily against the strong oak. He saw lights turning on around the house as Steve traveled towards the door. The door swung open and Steve’s face poked out from the pleasantly lit house. 

“Billy? What are you doing here- I usually hear the Camaro before you get this far.” Steve said with a syrupy smile before really seeing Billy, who was staring intensely at the ground. “Are you okay? What happened to your hair?” A worried tone had started to creep into his voice. Billy looked up and Steve gasped at his beaten face.

“Can I come in?” He asked in a broken whisper. Steve nodded vigorously and stepped aside so Billy could slide past him. He quickly closed the door and replaced the lock before turning to look Billy up and down. 

“Jesus, what happened?” Steve asked before pulling Billy into a strong hug. His arms were tight around Billy’s wounded ribs, but feeling Steve this close again was too nice for Billy to ask him to stop. 

“I got in a fight.” Billy said with clipped words. There was so much more sitting on the end of his tongue that he forced back down.

“Well, I can see that. Are you okay?” Steve asked, pulling away slightly and moving his hands so that they were running through his short hair.

Billy nodded. “Yeah- I’ve had worse.” 

“What happened to your hair? It’s so short now, it’s weird.” Steve said and Billy felt a terrible clenching in his chest.

“I decided to cut it, it was getting long anyway.” Billy lied.

“But I thought you liked it long.” Steve said and Billy didn’t respond. He was used to Steve digging his fingers deep into his curls and it felt wrong as they grazed over the top with nowhere else to go. Steve dropped his hands so they were holding onto Billy’s arms and continued, “You’re freezing.”

“I walked here. Car wouldn’t start and I felt like seeing you.” Billy said and Steve laughed.

“You could’ve called, I would have picked you up.” Steve responded and Billy shrugged. The house was warm and Steve’s arms were safe and familiar. The events of the evening had started to pile up on Billy and he didn’t realize he was tired until he felt exhausted. He yawned loudly and Steve grinned. “Tired?” Billy nodded.

“You have no idea.” Billy said, his voice a little deeper and more serious than he wanted it to be. 

“I’m gonna clean those up and then we can go to bed, yeah?” Steve said, gesturing to the ugly blood that still trickled from the open wounds. They should have closed and clotted by now, but Billy had unconsciously swiped at his face and tore them open again on the way there. Steve brought him to the bathroom and Billy sat on the toilet cover as Steve pulled out a first aid kit. “Who were you fighting with?” He asked as he poured hydrogen peroxide onto a cotton ball. Billy flinched at the sting when the alcohol hit the small gash. 

“Just some kid from school.” Billy responded quietly, turning his heavy gaze to the beige tiled floor. He wasn’t used to being so muted and he knew that Steve would pick up on it, but he couldn’t help it. Everything felt numb inside. 

“Well- I hope you got a few good punches in. Fucker deserves it.” Billy huffed out a small laugh at that, and Steve’s teeth worried at his lower lip. Billy could feel Steve’s warmth next to him, could hear him breathing only inches away. He could feel the cotton ball swiping, sopping, stinging- but it’s like Billy was only looking in. Stuck on the outside where everything was numb and cold and aching. He felt like he was falling.

Billy was painfully aware of how weak his father was compared to him. Even being an adult now, Neil’s yelling made him small again- the same cowering child he was when all of this started. When Neil stood over him with clenched fists and seething words, Billy fell apart. He didn’t get angry, he just felt surprised. As if after years of abuse, Billy still couldn’t imagine that this was happening. That his dad was hurting him. That he didn’t care. Billy didn’t feel stronger, he felt weaker. Like a leaf shaking in the wind. 

“Billy? You with me?” Steve asked and Billy blinked owlishly as Steve pulled him back to reality. Looking around, the first aid kit was away in the closet and the crimson stained cotton balls were laying in the trash. “Are you sure you're okay? You’re kinda freaking me out.” Steve joked lightly, but it didn’t cover the sticky concern that coated his words. 

“Yeah. I’m just tired.” Billy said as he got to his feet.

“Okay. Well let’s go upstairs and I’ll get you something warmer to put on. Then we can crawl into bed together. Sound good?” Steve asked, leaning in close to put a hand on his bicep and pulling him into a tender kiss. When he pulled away, Billy’s lips felt like they were burning. 

They slowly climbed the stairs together, Billy suddenly feeling that last kick Neil had delivered into his spine. His back hurt like hell once they reached his room. Billy kept one hand firmly on the bed post to steady himself as Steve quickly sorted through his closet. He pulled out a thick sweatshirt and turned to Billy with an expectant look on his face. Billy felt his fingers freeze up, realizing that stripping his jacket off would no doubt hurt, but would also reveal the myriad of bruises on his chest. The bruises that made it clear that it wasn’t just a fight, but a beating. Billy had barely moved to defend himself. 

He watched in slight horror as Steve tossed the sweatshirt down on the bed and started to strip Billy’s jacket off for him. He grimaced as his sore muscles moved and his breath caught when his ribs started to ache. With the denim gone, Billy could see dark blotches that stained his arms from when Neil had held him down. He watched as Steve’s eyes caught them. Steve looked up at him with determination as his hands moved down to the hem of his shirt. Billy own hands grabbed them, stopping him with no real heat behind them. 

He had never shared this secret with anyone before and warning bells sounded off in the back of his head. Ones telling him to run away and not let Steve see the shameful scars his father had left. But the look on his face, his bronze eyes melted in concern. His face wasn’t holding judgment but stress to the pain Billy must have endured. Billy let his hands drift away and Steve peeled his shirt up and over his head. 

He felt the sting of cold air and saw harsh bruises glaringly bright on his pale skin. Billy felt sick when he noticed that they were in the shape of Neil’s boots. He felt Steve’s eyes roaming and saw understanding in them when they looked up to face him.

“Who did this Billy?” His words were shaky but simple. Spoken softly and begging for the truth. 

Billy knew it was stupid but he stubbornly responded, “I-It was just a dumb fight with some asshole from school.” He almost laughed when he felt wet tears streaking down his face. He hadn’t even realized he was crying. He felt a hand curl up around his neck and another one being placed under his rib cage. 

“It’s okay- I’m here, you’re okay now.” Steve said looking deeply into Billy’s eyes and he believed it. No Neil. No yelling. No clenched fists. Just understanding and _love_ and Billy hadn’t felt this way since his mother died. All that worry that Steve had shown since Billy walked into the house- it was because he loved him. Billy felt like he could barely breath as every emotion caught up and pulled him under.

“H-He was so angry, Steve.” Billy sobbed, thinking back to the savage kicks and the weight of the clippers as they were shoved into his chest. “I didn’t come home that night, and I disobeyed him and I should’ve know-” Billy’s knees were shaking viciously and he felt like he was about to collapse. “He kept kicking and kicking and when I thought it was over- he made me shave my hair off. My mother had long blonde hair. It’s the one thing I think about when I remember her and he took that away too.” Billy cried out and it felt like his whole body was vibrating. Shaking with grief he had kept hidden away for so long. 

Billy felt Steve gently push him down onto the center of the bed. Legs wrapped around his waist and he guided his head into the crook of Steve’s neck. A warm hand slowly rubbed his back as another carded through his short hair. It was safe and felt more like home than that awful prison Neil had created. 

“I had to get out- I needed to see you.” Billy croaked as he realized how important Steve had become. He’d been alone for so long that he never realized he could feel this way. Never realized that there could be a person to help clean him up and hold him through his tears. It was scary, giving another person so much power.

As he cried, he heard Steve whispering against the shell of his ear. These small stupid things that lit a flame in Billy’s heart. He talked about the kids and how Dustin’s teeth were finally coming in. How Steve had somehow joined the party and that he played Dungeons and Dragons with them occasionally. He told Billy that he could come to one of their games and help save him from the monsters because Steve had terrible luck at rolling. Billy had no idea what the party was, and even less about the game, but he knew that it was more than that. It was a promise that Steve wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. 

They fell asleep that night tucked close together in Steve’s bed and Billy couldn’t have been farther from the brute that roamed his house with buzzed hair and steel toe boots. But even with the long distance between them, Neil’s shadow loomed hauntingly over his dreams.


	2. Only Pain and Hurt and Anger Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading and liking my story- it means the world to me!

Billy woke up the next morning to a pale yellow light that filtered through the window at the end of a bed that wasn’t his. Looking around, he saw that Steve was gone and that the alarm clock on the end table read, 10:46. He wasn’t used to waking up so late, but he felt more rested and relaxed than he had in a long time.

He lazily pulled himself out of bed and rubbed his arms as the chill of the room snuck up on him. As he was about to wander into the hallway for the bathroom, his eyes caught onto the set of folded clothes sitting on top of the duvet. Billy smiled as he pulled them on and realized that Steve must have left them out for him. The shirt smelt faintly of his boyfriend's cologne and the feeling of sweatpants after spending the night in stiff jeans was refreshing. 

Then he drifted towards the bathroom to relieve himself. After washing his hands and gargling some mouthwash, he looked into the mirror at the strange reflection. He ran a hand over his head again, as if he was making sure that he wasn’t seeing things. He would have to get used to it eventually, but he didn’t think he would. 

The smell of eggs cooking and the sound of pans clanging brought him out of his thoughts and he started down the stairs towards the commotion. Steve smiled brightly upon seeing him, saying “Good morning!” He had a pan full of scrambled eggs in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other. It was a Mr. Spock mug that made Billy wonder if it was his father’s or that Steve was a closet nerd the whole time he was king. Either way, it made him chuckle. 

Billy poured out his own cup of coffee, his mug a boring beige with bold blue letters spelling out HAWKINS MIDDLE on it. “Good morning princess,” he teased, kissing Steve as he walked towards the kitchen table. He caught the other boy’s blush as he sat down and took a long pull of his black coffee. He let the bitterness soak his tongue and hoped the caffeine would pull the last bit of sleep from him. 

There were two empty plates and another full of bacon already sitting out on the table. Billy quietly stole a piece while Steve took the pan off the burner and started to dish out the eggs. “Did you sleep well?” He asked, moving his mug to the table and sitting down.

Billy raised his eyebrows at the small talk. “Yeah,” he said as he picked up his fork and started attacking the fluffy eggs. They ate silently for a couple moments before Billy looked up at Steve, who was squirming uncomfortably in his seat, and said “You want to talk about last night don’t you?”

“Oh please can we.” Steve burst out, his new found mothering ways getting the best of him. 

“Steve- it’s early,” Billy whined, and Steve pouted into his plate. Billy was used to being quiet about his life. When people dug deep and asked to many questions, it had never ended well before. Steve made talking to him feel effortless which should have put Billy at ease, but instead it made everything so much more difficult. He was scared because it was too simple and nothing involving his father should ever be that painless. 

Hell, just the thought of Neil turned the eggs inside of his mouth into ash. He sipped again at his coffee, trying to erase the foulness. 

"Okay, okay- later then. But can we at least talk about what you're gonna do now. You can't go home." Steve said pointedly, and Billy just cocked his head in confusion.

"Why not?" He asked around his food and Steve’s eyebrows dipped in concern.

"I'm sorry?"

"Why can't I go home?" Billy punctuated and Steve’s eyes went wild.

"Billy, you can't be serious. Your father attacked you last night."

“Yeah, but he’s been doing that since I was seven so,” Billy said nonchalantly and Steve’s face twisted in grief. "All I’m saying is that I can't avoid him forever. Might as well rip the band aid off now." Steve stood up and moved to the chair next to Billy. It creaked as he turned towards his boyfriend and pulled Billy’s hands into his lap.

“I don’t know a lot about what’s going on at home, and I don’t know Neil. But you told me that he was angry before, when you left, and then you did it again. He’s gonna hurt you and you don’t deserve that.” Steve said, his voice leaving no room for argument. Billy set his jaw and looked despondently into his eggs. “Just stay with me for a few days and we’ll figure things out, okay?” 

“What about your parents?” Billy relented with a deep sigh.

“It’s a long trip. They say they’ll be back next week, but knowing them- it’ll probably be two. Anyway they won’t kick you out, my mom loves to dote on people.” Steve beamed. Billy could see his relief as his shoulders sagged and the grip on his hands loosened. Billy thought that he would feel the same relief, knowing that he didn’t have to go back home, but instead he felt more anxiety piling inside his chest. 

“Okay, I’ll stay. But I should go back to the house to pick some things up. Maybe write out a note to Max about where I’ll be. I could swing by today while Neil’s at work?” Billy suggested and Steve nodded. Susan would have to drive Max to school before work, but otherwise his absence probably wouldn’t be noticed.

“Alright, I’ll drive.” Steve smiled and pulled Billy into an intimate kiss. The feather light touch over his knuckles and Steve’s wet tongue made Billy moan into his mouth. They pulled apart before it got too heated, and Steve gave him one last peck before pulling his breakfast towards him from across the table. They went back to eating, but it wasn’t quiet or uncomfortable like before. 

They began eagerly sharing stories and telling jokes far past when their plates were empty and their mugs were cold. Steve’s arms shot over his head as he talked and Billy found himself laughing. Not snickering or chuckling, but a full laugh that left him breathless with tears in his eyes. When a pleasant lull fell over their conversation, he felt Steve’s shining eyes just staring at Billy with a big smile across his face. 

If he never had to sit through another tense dinner with Neil and Susan again, he thought it might still be too soon. 

“Can I bum a cigarette off you?” Billy asked as he felt the familiar itch for nicotine settle under his fingernails. 

“Yeah, they should be in my jacket pocket. The one draped on that chair next to you.” Steve responded as he began clearing up the table and throwing the dishes into the sink. He reached into the pocket, pulled a smoke out of the pack, and raised his cigarette up in triumph. He heard Steve laugh warmly behind him as he left through the front door to smoke. 

He watched the flame catch the paper and it crackled to life between his lips. When he exhaled, he felt the strain of his shoulders dwindling as he emptied his lungs along the heaviness in his heart. He rubbed his arms at the chill outside as he looked around the cozy neighborhood. 

Billy couldn’t predict Neil’s next actions, and it worried him enough to run back home with his tail tucked between his legs. He knew that going home would end in probably the worst beating of his life, but that could be better than the other possibilities. Neil could go looking for him and drag him back anyway. Or he might take out his aggression on little Max and Susan, something that Billy swore he would never let happen. Their safety is what kept him from running off before, when they first decided to move to Hawkins. But maybe those tense family dinners would be warm and comfortable without him. There was no way of knowing, but the risk buried itself deeply beneath his sternum. 

He took a deep pull and grinned as the smoke curled affectionately around his lungs. It was the last hit he would get as he watched his cigarette burn to an ashy nub. He may not like it, but he promised Steve that he would stay away. Billy thought that by going home, he would have some control over the outcome. His father would beat him, but at least everyone else would be safe. No chance to attack Max or Susan, and no chance for Neil to go out looking and find Steve. It bothered him that he was no longer in control of the situation, and yet he had promised to stay with Steve anyway. The whole thing scared Billy, even though he probably wouldn’t admit to it sober. 

The morning was dewy unlike the dry cold from last night. It made his skin tingle instead of bite and somehow, it made Billy feel a little bit hopeful. He tried to ignore it as he flicked his cigarette butt onto the ground in front of him and turned back towards the mansion. 

Stepping back into the house, Steve was drying the last of the plates and staring at Billy with a smile on his face. "You ready?" Billy nodded and headed outside to the car as Steve flipped his noisy keys around in his hands. Billy popped a cassette tape into the console as Steve peeled down the road. After a few minutes of listening to Fleetwood Mac, Steve asked “What are you going to write Max?" 

Resting his head against the passenger’s side window, Billy sighed. "I don't know, I haven't really thought about it." He chewed absently at his thumbnail. "I'm probably going to start by apologizing."

"The great Billy Hargrove saying that he's sorry to his kid sister. Never thought I'd see the day." Steve mocked and Billy laughed with him.

"This is your fault ya know. You made me apologize to Lucas and the rest of the brats before you'd even talk to me." Billy said as they both thought on the memory from months ago.

"That's true," Steve chuckled as he nodded. "But you never quite apologized to me so I'm allowed to be surprised" It was spoken lightly, but his words sounded heavier than they had been before.

With a grimace, he slid his hands over the gear shift to entangle them with Steve’s. "I am sorry for that night, Steve. After Max went missing, my dad got really angry and I just lost it. It's not an excuse, I need to start dealing with my shit, but it had nothing to do with you or those kids."

"I forgave you for that a long time ago, but thank you." Steve said, squeezing his fingers. Turning away from Billy’s face and back to the road, he let a couple silent seconds pass before continuing. "What are you apologizing to Max for anyway?" 

"For not picking her up last night. For leaving. Maybe for being such an asshole to her for so long."

"Does she know what Neil does to you?" Steve asked reluctantly and Billy frowned. 

"I don't know. I think? We've never talked about it, but sometimes she gives me this loaded look and I can tell that she knows. Has heard it, maybe even seen it."

"I don't think she'll need an apology then. She's a smart kid, and she cares about you."

Billy nodded wordlessly as he watched the road and listened to the wheels groan. He desperately wished that he had another cigarette to settle his nerves. He bounced his knee up and down as his house came into view. Billy felt disgust tossing around his stomach when he saw the ugly wooden siding and the stone pathway that led up to the front door. It was the same walkway that Neil had tossed him out on so many times before, like twopenny trash. He fucking hated it. Looking like a home with a normal family when there was only pain and hurt and anger inside. The orange door and screened in porch that hid away Neil’s terrible secret.

“You’re sure Neil’s at work, right?” Steve asked, knuckles white from his tight grip on the steering wheel. 

“Yeah, the house should be empty. I’m just gonna run in and grab a few things. I’ll be back before you know it.” Billy said with a cheeky smile as he opened the passenger door. 

“Need any help?” Steve offered, but Billy shook his head. As he walked up to the house, he looked for any signs of his father inside. The lights were off and it was quiet save for the sound of Steve’s engine idling in the driveway. Billy pulled his house key from his pocket and let himself in. The floor creaked but otherwise the house was blessedly silent. As he began walking to his room, Billy thought he could smell cigarette smoke coming from the kitchen. 

Slowly, Billy started to move towards it. Sitting at the kitchen table was Neil, who was holding the pack of smokes from Billy’s bedroom. He had a lit cigarette dangling threateningly from his teeth. Billy was frozen in place as he watched his father take a drag. He had never seen Neil smoke before.

“Dad?” Billy said tentatively, breaking the silence. His voice betrayed his fear.

“What did we talk about?” Neil asked, his focus still trained on the Marlboro between his fingers.

“Uh, respe- res” Billy stuttered, his lips numb and clumsy with the words. 

Neil looked up at him with dark, stormy eyes before he bellowed, “What. Did. We talk about?”

“Respect and responsibility, sir.” Billy forced through chattering teeth. He hadn’t seen Neil this angry in a long time and it made Billy’s blood run cold.

“So you remember,” Neil said standing up from the table. Billy took a step back on impulse. “Imagine my surprise then, when you left last night. Again. Did you learn nothing from my lesson?” He asked, gesturing to Billy’s swollen cheek and shaved head. Neil stopped so that he was standing close enough to Billy that his stale breath touched his face. 

“Then, I cleaned up your _mess_ ” He said, punctuating the M so hard that Billy flinched. “And Susan picked up your sister last night after you didn’t show.” He took another drag and then blew the smoke into Billy’s face. “What do you have to say about yourself, boy?” He bellowed and Billy stared up at him with an unblinking, vacant expression. Within a moment, he turned the cigarette over in his hands and stubbed it out in Billy’s skin. He howled loudly in pain. 

Faced with his father again, Billy knew that everything had been too good to be true. Ending up at Steve’s door, climbing into his bed. Being held when all he would ever be was a fuck up. He didn’t deserve Steve and his warm hands and kind eyes. Didn’t deserve nice mornings with nerdy mugs and stolen cigarettes or stolen kisses. “You’re right.”

Neil tossed the cigarette out behind him and pushed Billy up against the wall. A hard punch landed in the center of his face and blood started to gush heavily from his nose. With a sneer, Neil grabbed his earring and pulled _down_. Billy cried as his earlobe ripped apart and the pointed steel fell to the ground in a small red mess. “I always hated that fucking earring.” Neil spat.

The puckered wound on his neck from the cigarette burned like nothing he had ever felt before; until Neil grappled the spot with two tight fists and began to choke him. The burning in his throat was worse, Billy decided. He grasped at his father’s arms and weakly tried to pry them away.

His father’s offending hands were gone in a moment as the front door opened and heavy feet pounded towards them. Billy fell back against the wall as he heaved in breaths through his bloody teeth. “Get the fuck off of him!” Steve yelled as he hefted his baseball bat a little higher, clearly aiming for Neil’s head. As the black spots cleared from Billy’s vision, he saw Neil holding his hands up disarmingly. 

“Hey, let’s just calm down here-” Neil placated and Billy’s eyes grew wide when he saw that the bat was riddled with nails. _What the fuck?_

“Yeah, let's do just that. I’m going to take Billy and we’re going to get into my car and we’re going to leave. And guess what-” Steve said, pointing the bat towards Neil’s neck. “You’re going to let us.” The bat’s metal teeth stopped Neil from grabbing it and pulling it against Steve. All he had now was his fists and his loud words. He stayed uncharacteristically silent.

Neil just nodded and shuffled backwards against the kitchen wall, trying to put himself as far out of the way as possible. “You okay Billy?” Steve asked behind his shoulder, but he kept his eyes trained on Neil.

“Ye-yeah. I’m okay.” Billy said hoarsely before turning to the sink and spitting out the blood from his mouth.

“Okay, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Steve said, but before he followed Billy out the door, he pocketed the cigarettes from the table and gave Neil a threatening smile. Billy had never seen his father squirm before.

As they left through the front door, Billy heard Neil call from inside “ _You’re right._ ” Hearing his own words being tossed back to him made bile rush up his already abused throat. Steve tossed his bat back into the trunk as Billy plopped down into the passenger's seat and frantically searched through Steve’s glove compartment for tissues to clean up his bleeding nose. 

Steve jumped into the front seat and quickly started the car. He turned to look at Billy and winced at the blood on his face. “Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?” 

“No, I’ll be fine. I just- where the fuck did you get a bat like that?”

Steve pulled the car out of the driveway as he sped back to his house. “We’ve all got our shit.” 

“And what- you keep it in the car, _just in case!_ ” Steve shrugged at that and kept driving.

“Came in handy though, didn’t it?” Steve responded with a cheeky grin and Billy sputtered because Steve hadn’t answered a single one of his questions. He was thrown into a coughing fit after that, his throat still too raw to handle full sentences. 

Billy wondered how far Neil would have gone if Steve hadn't shown up. Remembering the hands that closed on his neck like a vice- Billy wasn't sure that Neil even cared. His face had been red with anger and the veins bulged in his fist and Neil wasn't going to stop. What if his father had strangled him to death? Billy wondered if he would have left his lifeless body on the grimy kitchen tile and run off to find a new family and a new life. He imagined what Max would have done if she found him. The thought made vomit burn a path up his esophagus. 

“Thanks for saving me back there- I don’t know what he would have done if you didn’t.” Billy felt the car lurch as Steve pressed the acceleration a little bit harder.

“I came as soon as I heard yelling. Sorry I wasn’t faster.” He paused. “Why didn’t you fight back?” Steve asked with a touch of bewilderment, and Billy crouched down a little further in his seat. He asked like it was so easy- he had no idea.

“I did. He was just stronger.” Billy settled on and he could tell that Steve didn’t believe him. It wasn’t very convincing, considering that Neil didn’t have a single scratch on him. 

They got back to the house and Steve herded Billy into the bathroom. He took the first aid kit out again and Billy reeled with deja vu. They always ended up back in the bathroom with the same antiseptic and the same problems. 

Billy quickly rinsed his mouth out in the sink while Steve pulled out more cotton swabs. He cleaned the torn ear as Billy tried to scrub the dry blood off his face. “You should get stitches for this.” Steve said as he pulled his tender hand away. The lobe was cut in two, the earring he had since he first turned sixteen now only a distant memory. Billy felt his eyes well up in tears as he shook his head. 

Looking into the mirror, Billy barely recognized himself. His hair had gone from his infamous long curls to short fuzz and his earring had probably been trashed the minute the front door slammed shut behind them. The cocky smile he used to wear had drifted away, like the whites of his eyes that were now continuously bloodshot. His nose was still stubbornly dripping and his neck was mottled with dark black hand prints. Steve’s hickeys were lost in the bruising and it made Billy feel sick. The only part of the reflection that still made sense to him was Steve's worried expression behind him and the hand that was tightly entangled with his own.


	3. His Pretty Face and Pretty Voice...

Steve pulled Billy away from boring holes into his own reflection, and moved a hand to cup his jaw.

“Do you want to lay down?” Steve asked and Billy felt fatigue pull at him. It was late afternoon and the question made Billy feel a little like a toddler at nap time, but he nodded anyway. His entire body was stinging with pain, and Neil’s punches had abolished whatever restful sleep he had gotten that night. Steve walked him up to the bedroom and they climbed under the covers. Secure arms wrapped around him and Billy let the warmth soak deep into his bruised ribs. He felt himself drifting off within seconds. 

His sleep was fitful, but long. When he woke up, he found that the sun had set and Steve was gone. The nap had left his stomach churning unpleasantly and his head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. He was more tired than before and all he wanted to do was nod off again, except his throat was begging for water and he could hear Steve talking in the other room. 

“Yeah Hop- it was bad. Is there anything you can do?” Steve paused as the other person responded. “I don’t think he’s going to like that.” Billy could hear the frown in his voice. “Okay. I’ll call them after and let them know. Thanks.” The clunky phone went back on the hook and Steve popped his head into the room next.

“Hey baby, you awake?” Steve asked softly and Billy eyed him suspiciously. 

“I am now. Who were you talking to?” Billy asked with an edge to his voice and Steve grimaced. He sat down on the side of the bed and splayed a hand on Billy’s chest.

“I called Hopper to ask about our options.”

“What do you mean options? I left.”

“And what? Neil just gets away with everything he put you through?” Steve asked in shock and Billy raised his eyebrows in response.

“What do you think Hopper can do? My father’s gonna deny it and I don’t have the greatest track record with the police. They won’t believe me, Steve.”

“Hopper and I have history, and he’s a good cop. He’ll do what he can.”

“He’s not gonna do shit.” Billy let out a sardonic laugh and Steve scrunched his face indignantly. 

“Is it that wrong to try!” Steve yelled as he crossed his arms against his chest. 

“Yes.” Billy spat back with a menacing glare. After a couple seconds, he moved to get out of bed and Steve leveled a questioning look at him. “I need water.” He mumbled in annoyance. Steve stood up with him and followed him towards the bathroom. 

“I just don’t understand why you’re letting him do this to you!” Steve continued in exasperation. 

“It’s over now.” Billy croaked before hunching over the sink and letting the water puddle into his palm. He watched as it swirled down the drain.

“No- it’s not! You’re giving up!” Billy swallowed the last bit of water and let the rest slide through his fingers. 

“I gave up a long time ago.” Billy responded lowly and Steve felt the anger that was building in his chest fall. “I stopped seeing an end to this so I stopped fighting back. And you know what- it hurt a lot less when I did.”

“What about Max?” Steve relented.

“He won’t touch her.”

“Just because he didn't before-” Steve started and Billy's steely eyes were still trained on the porcelain sink.

“She doesn't deserve it.”

“You don’t deserve it.” Steve said in a discernible tone, as if it were obvious. Billy looked back at him grimly and Steve’s eyes glazed over in tears. “Billy-” He continued brokenly and went to wrap the other boy in a hug but Billy waved him off. 

“I’m gonna go back to sleep, okay?” Billy said, pushing past him and going towards the bedroom. With a determined look in his eye, Steve gently pushed Billy onto the bed and climbed on top of him. He straddled Billy's hips with his thighs and laid kisses on the top of his chest that trailed up his neck.

“What he did- what he does, it’s wrong and you don’t deserve any of it.” He said strongly, leaving no room for argument. Billy found himself looking away, discomfort lodging itself in his throat but Steve guided his untrusting eyes back to his. “You can talk to me Billy. It doesn’t have to be now, and it doesn’t have to be soon. But you can talk to me.” Steve pulled him into deep kiss that left him gasping before settling next to him and wrapping a firm arm around his shoulder. 

“Okay.” Billy whispered finally and Steve held him a little tighter. His hands were heavy and Billy ate it up. Steve would force the story out of him eventually- his caring demeanor would pull the words from where he had buried the memory. They would slither out and infect and Steve wouldn’t want to touch him anymore. He would hear the truth and he would turn cold and angry. He would kick him out onto the street and Billy would deserve it.

He knew he didn’t deserve the comfort that Steve radiated, but he couldn’t force himself to leave. 

Billy’s mind raced with possibilities and he drifted into an erratic sleep. Every few minutes, his eyes would fly open as he dreamt of the Harrington’s front door slamming shut in front of his face. Those comforting hands that once pulled him in, now pushed him out. As fatigue piled up with every short dream, he eventually fell unconscious.

Billy woke up to Steve's pretty face and to his pretty voice carrying over him. "Come on- wake up!" Rough hands that were gripped tight onto his forearms shook him into coherency. Billy blinked wildly as every sense slammed into him at once. He felt cold sweat soak his body, as if he had walked out of the house in his sleep and jumped into the pool. And with the sickly cold sweat that trickled past his spine were hot tears that were streaming down his face. Like April rain in the gutter. His heart was racing and blood was pumping and Billy had the urge to just bolt. 

"Hey, you're okay baby. It's okay." That voice again, pulling him in close. Trying to calm him down, but his ears could only focus on the sound of his blood rushing. Pouring. Like when Neil had given Billy his first concussion. 

The dream slammed into him again and Billy cried out against the whiplash in his own mind. "Look at me, just keep looking at me." But that voice was getting quieter, drifting so far away that Billy didn't even hear it anymore. Like a ghost whispering in the shell of his ear. 

All he could see was Neil, all he could hear was his Mother sobbing. 

"Look at what you made me do!" Neil bellowed, his voice ripping out from somewhere so deep in his chest that it could have come from hell itself. He was young again, barely tall enough to ride the big ferris wheel in town, but old enough to remember his father twisting his arm behind his back and forcing the ball right out of the socket. He was laying on top of the floor, the carpet greedily soaking up his tears when his father stormed out, "Clean him up Sarah! And don't let me see his face again for the rest of the night." The door shook on its hinges when he slammed it shut, and his mother rushed to his side.

"Oh sweet face- I'm so sorry, I don’t want to hurt you-" Billy remembers being confused, because pain and mom had never existed together before. He couldn't imagine his mother ever hurting him like dad did. He never wanted to. The burn that shredded through his shoulder next came from his mother's hands. The ones that comforted and cared now dealt out pain. He didn't even notice that his arm was back in place as he scrambled away from her in fear. 

The terror was so plain in his small childish features that more cries wracked his mother's body. "I'm so sorry baby. We can't stay here anymore- we can't! I didn't know it could get this bad!" Billy hadn't understood her back then. He was afraid that mom would start hurting him too and all that hurt- he didn't know what would happen. But dad didn't cry after he finished. He yelled and slammed the door and ignored him. But mom was crying and snot was flying from her face and it was different, so he went back over to her and wrapped his tiny arms around her neck. She held him tightly, like her world was being torn away. 

That's when Billy had woken up- where the dream ended and the real nightmare had begun for him. Sarah never thought that she would die before she got Billy away from Neil. 

Wistful pleading pulled Billy out of the thick fog of his thoughts. "Please wake up!" Sweaty palms stilled on his arms and Billy blinked owlishly at him. He picked himself up so that he was resting on his elbows as tears welled up between his long lashes. “It’s over now, it’s okay.”

Steve embraced him, guiding Billy’s head into the crook of his neck. He felt himself shaking his head. No- it wasn’t over. It had happened over ten years ago, but he remembered every moment like it was yesterday. His dad’s breath reeking of liquor and the neighbor’s dog that used to bark all night. It hounded his sleep more than the nightmares back then, because he was so tired he couldn’t even dream.

Billy shuddered against him as wet sobs wracked his frame. His arm ached in phantom pain and he felt like a child again. Neil hadn’t changed in all that time, but instead of his arm, it was the choke hold around his neck. Or his ear torn in two. Or the punches that landed on his abdomen. He had more sore ribs than he could count, but he was still dealing with the same pain. The same nightmare. 

He felt apologies claw between each breath, and he realized that he had been crying out _I’m sorry_ and clutching onto Steve like he was falling apart. Hell, maybe he was.

The memory was beginning to fade as Billy took in deep breaths and registered the throbbing of the boot shaped bruises from the other day. After a few silent minutes, Steve's arm came up to rub at his back and the tears dried on his cheeks. "Are you okay?" Steve asked and Billy let a funny little chuckle out of his mouth. Like any of that was okay.

"It's gone now," Billy said- but truthfully, he could still see it when he closed his eyes. He was still so fucking tired, but the adrenaline and fear buzzed under his skin and he knew he wouldn’t be sleeping for a long time. "But I can't go back to sleep. Not after that." Billy shuddered and Steve pulled back so that they were nose to nose.

"Okay," he started understandingly. "Do you want to take a shower while I make us something warm downstairs?" Billy whined at the thought of being alone, still seeing Neil’s sneering face every time he blinked.

"I don't want to be alone," Billy mumbled and Steve smiled affectionately. He caught his lips in a kiss and Billy let his hands get lost in Steve's long hair. 

“I think you’ll be a little more comfortable if you’re not covered in sweat,” Steve said, kissing him on the palm before leading him off the bed and into his parent's bathroom. There was a walk in shower in the corner, and Billy smiled fondly when he realized that Steve was going to join him. Steve was pulling clean towels out of the closet as Billy started to strip off his borrowed clothes and turned the hot water on. Steve had joined him by the time it reached a nice temperature. 

The water pressure was relaxing on his sore muscles, and he turned his face up to wash away the salty saline that had dried onto his skin. Opening his eyes and turning back to Steve, Billy saw him staring jarringly at his chest. His skin was still mottled with bruises, and they hid only some of the timeworn scars that Billy had grown accustomed to. Steve’s finger came up and traced a jagged one that was lower on his stomach. 

Steve looked at him with somber eyes and Billy nudged him away to grab the shampoo. Steve was too distracted to notice Billy pouring the product liberally onto his palm. He silently placed his hand on Steve’s chin to tilt his face up to him and then playfully slapped it all onto Harrington's head.

Steve's sad eyes opened wide in surprise before a smile cracked across his face. Billy laughed openly as it dripped onto his cheeks and then started to work it into his hair. It wasn't long enough to be like Billy's old hair, but it was more familiar than the close buzz cut he had now. 

Steve swiped at some of the shampoo that coated his hair and washed Billy's too. They took turns under the water to wash it out before Steve grabbed the soap and sprayed him with it. “I swear, we are no better than children." Steve laughed and Billy laughed with him. 

It was more of a snicker, but it felt good. As much as fear was still looming over his shoulder, Steve made him feel a little bit lighter. Billy’s smile was soft, but it reached his eyes in a way his grins never used to before. 

They finished up in the shower and Billy tied the dry towel around his waist and started to pull on fresh clothes- more of Harrington’s. He caught his reflection in the mirror and his gaze lingered on his torn ear again. Steve hands wrapped around his hips and pulled him away from the image that tormented him.

“I’m going to put on a pot of coffee. You coming?” He asked, placing a kiss on the back of his neck and pulling him towards the stairs. Billy followed him down to the kitchen, and sat on a tall chair next to the counter. Steve was busy filling the pot with water and pulling a filter from the cabinet. The smell of coffee beans made Billy let out a small sigh.

It was familiar, something he could rely on. The thought made him itch for a cigarette- another constant in his ever shifting life. Looking at the kitchen table, he found his pack that Steve had taken from the house. The memory set him on edge as he excused himself out the back door to light up. Steve nodded knowingly as he left.

Billy noticed a slight chill in the air as he walked outside and leaned against the railing along the edge of the deck. Steve’s sweater kept him warm as he flicked open his lighter and lit the end of his cigarette. He smoked alone for a few minutes, considering the events of the night when Steve walked outside holding two mugs of steaming hot coffee. He joined Billy on the railing and placed the mugs on the ledge. Billy was overlooking the pool as he took a drag.

“My friend died here,” Steve said suddenly and Billy choked on his cigarette. He muttered out an apology as Billy caught his breath.

“What? Out in the pool?” He asked, jerking his head. 

“Yeah- well we weren’t actually friends. It’s kind of confusing and hard to explain-” Steve babbled, but stopped himself with a deep breath. “She was Nancy’s friend and they came over because I was having a party. But then Nancy went upstairs with me, and Barb didn’t want to leave her. She was a good friend.” Steve said, drifting off at the last bit. Billy nodded grimly as he tossed his cigarette. 

“What happened?” Billy asked as Steve took a small sip of his coffee and held the mug- letting the heat soak into his fingers. 

“She was just sitting out here- right on the diving board. Probably pissed because she knew Nancy and I were in my bedroom and she was waiting in the cold-” Steve closed his eyes and pressed a thumb against them. It hurt to think about, and Billy could understand that. “I don’t-” Steve’s voice cracked and Billy placed a reassuring hand in his. 

Steve looked up at him for the first time since he had walked out there. “I don’t know what happened, but she went missing. She was found dead after not too long but- the last time anyone saw her was right here.” His voice was raspy and he looked away. Billy could see that Steve wasn’t telling him the whole story, but considering everything that Billy hadn’t said himself- he wasn’t one to judge.

“We weren’t friends,” Steve continued. “But I was kind of an asshole back then. I like to believe we could be now, if none of that shit ever happened.” Billy didn’t know what to say, so he just rubbed his thumb against the back of Steve’s hand. Steve turned to stare at him again. “I’m sorry to spring that on you, I just wanted you to know that I get it. The nightmares.”

“I’m sorry that your friend died,” Billy started, pulling his thoughts together. “And I’m sorry that it hurts to sleep. Sometimes-” He paused with heavy reluctance staining his words. “You get this look in your eye like you’ve been through more than you let on. And the bat, I just- I don’t know what happened, but that’s more than a girl disappearing in your pool. You don’t have to tell me or anything, I’m just sorry.” Billy ended, pushing himself away from the ledge. He took a drink from his mug, he was tired of the way the cold was cradling him. He couldn’t feel his ears or nose anymore. 

As Billy turned to go back into the house, Steve shot a hand out to stop him. “I’ll tell you what happened.”

“You don’t have to-” Billy started but Steve cut him off.

“I want to.” He said, his pinched expression more serious than Billy had ever seen before.

“Okay, but let’s go inside. It’s starting to get cold out here.” Billy said as he led the way through the door and towards the cushy couch in the living room. It had been getting bitter out, but he also wanted Steve away from the pool and the memories it surfaced for him. 

They put their mostly untouched coffees on the table beside them, and Billy laid down on the couch and held his arms open for Steve. It felt nice to take a step away from his own problems for a while, and be the big spoon once again. Steve settled heavily against him, his ear on top of Billy’s chest. His fingers tapped along with the beat of his heart. 

Then he began his story.


	4. Thanks For Listening

“This whole thing started when Barb disappeared, or at least- it did for me.” Steve said, taking a breath as his thoughts overwhelmed his words. “There’s a lot that happened last year and I can’t tell you most of it, but- Jonathan’s brother Will was the first one to disappear. Once Barb was gone, Nancy and Jonathan started working together to find them.” Steve stopped for a moment, his eyes glazed over as he wandered back into the past. He must have ignored these memories, kept them so far out of reach that he’s surprised he remembers them at all.

“I snuck up to Nancy’s room one night, and I saw Jonathan in her bed. I- I didn’t know better and I thought she was cheating on me. I told Tommy and he wanted to get back at her. I made a mistake- I shouldn’t have done anything, but I was angry.” Billy laid a kiss on the top of his head and Steve looked up at him in surprise, like he had forgotten he was there.

“We called her a slut at the theatre- spray painted it on the goddamn building. Then Jonathan and Nancy showed up and I thought I was real tough shit.” He laughed darkly as he shook his head. “Jonathan and I got in a fight and he was arrested. I ran away. Later, I knew I was wrong. I looked at Tommy and Carol, and they just didn’t matter anymore. None of that high school shit mattered. So I went to the Byer’s house to apologize.” Billy didn’t know what came next, but it made Steve start shaking in his arms. His eyes were screwed shut, and suddenly Billy wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He had never seen terror so plain on anyone’s face before.

“I knocked on the door and Nancy answered. See, that didn’t make sense to me because why was she at the Byers house in the middle of the night. But I came to apologize, so I didn’t let up. I looked down and her hand was bandaged, bleeding right through it really. I wanted to help her but she kept telling me to leave. I thought- well I thought that Jonathan did it, so I went right through her.” He chuckled lowly, a private joke that Billy didn’t think he would ever understand. “I should have just left.” Tears streamed silently down his face and Billy felt his blood run cold. The way Steve stood up against his father, holding that bat as familiar as he did- Billy didn’t want to know something that could make Steve this terrified.

Billy ran a comforting hand down his arm and kissed him again. “I can’t really tell you anything else about that night- I’m sorry. All I can say is that there was something much more dangerous in that house than any of us. That’s when I first saw the bat. Hell, I thought they were crazy too.” His voice became serious again and it made Billy squirm. “All I know is that I saved their lives that night. I didn’t even think, I just ran in and grabbed the bat-” His voice cracked and Steve looked down. “I’m sorry, this probably doesn't make any sense but I can’t make it any clearer. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“It’s okay.” Billy said warmly, placing a kiss on the top of his head. Steve settled in close, resting his head in the crook of Billy’s neck.

“That was last year.” Steve said in a way that let Billy know that he hadn’t even scratched the surface, and Billy’s eyes widened in shock.

“Is there more?” He asked incredulously and Steve just nodded against him. “Jesus, how do you sleep at night?”

“You’re here.” Steve said with admiration in his eyes and Billy felt like his heart was breaking in two. No one had ever trusted him before, never wanted him. Now Steve was saying that he needed him and it made Billy feel warmth burn away in his cheeks. 

“Alright Princess, keep going.”

“This year was worse- if you could imagine. Everything happened with Nancy, but it didn’t bother me like I thought it would. I could see us drifting apart and I tried to hold on, but it wasn’t enough. I thought that I would be angry when she left, or sad but…” Steve’s voice lingered and Billy smiled.

“But then you met me.” He answered cheekily and Steve laughed.

“Then I met you,” he responded dreamily before swatting at Billy’s chest without any real heat behind it. “And _you_ were an asshole.” His tone was light and his eyes were still bright and Billy knew that he was forgiven. It made hearing it easier. “You show up out of nowhere and you are immediately on my case about being the one who runs the school. _King Steve_ ,” He mocked and Billy smiled. “Then you proceeded to threaten a bunch of middle schoolers, and you beat me up.” He finished matter of factly.

“To be fair- I thought you kidnapped my sister.” Billy responded easily and Steve lifted his eyebrows at him.

“Uh huh, definitely. You were looking for a fight, I was just playing babysitter.” He said in defense.

“I never asked you to babysit.” Steve shrugged at that and Billy reluctantly continued. “I still don’t really understand what you guys were doing that night. Or why my car has so many scratches on it now.”

“Well, see- that’s part of the stuff I can’t really explain.”

“You can’t explain why your driving is so terrible that my bumper is ruined.”

“I wasn’t driving.” Steve responded and Billy looked up at the ceiling in exasperation.

“And you tell me that I’m a bad influence.”

“Yeah- you knocked me unconscious and then Dustin made them drag me into the car. Thank god he did,” Steve said and he was lost in his thoughts once again. “I can’t even begin to explain what happened next, but it was bad. And I had to keep the kids safe, and I wasn’t sure if I could do that.” Billy had never felt so insufficient before. 

“They’re okay, Steve. You did good.” He tried.

“They’re alive.” Steve corrected sharply. “They are not okay- they survived. That’s it.” Steve had started crying again and Billy didn’t know what to do. 

He pulled him close and whispered in his ear like Steve had done for him. He told him that it would be okay and that it was over now, but he still couldn’t really understand what Steve had seen. What those kids had seen. _They’re alive_ , Steve said, _they survived_. Whatever had happened, it was just as dangerous as Steve said it was. More dangerous than Neil, more dangerous than Billy thought he could comprehend. 

He remembers the stories he heard back home when he was 14 years old. When the ‘Freeway Killer’ prowled the streets. He had kidnapped and beaten and raped and killed young boys and Billy remembers being terrified. He had nightmares for months about being taken even after the killer had been arrested. He imagined his beaten body on the side of the street and Neil not even caring.

When Billy thought about danger- he thought about that. So when he tries to imagine what Steve and those kids must have seen and it sends a tendril of despair through him. 

Steve took a couple shuddering breaths and Billy swiped a thumb at the tear tracks on his cheeks. He gave Steve a small peck on the nose and Steve gave him a watery smile in return. “I’m going to put in a movie.” Steve said as he extracted himself from Billy’s clingy embrace.

Steve clicked the TV on and Billy watched the screen get bright and cast a subtle green hue over the room. A little halo of light on the screen soon morphed into colorful people and Steve pushed the VHS into the slot. He hadn’t asked what they were watching, but soon enough the familiar _Jaws_ title was playing and Steve was settling back against him. 

He knew that Steve hadn’t done it on purpose, but the sight of the shore made him think about home. He imagined the breeze as it blew through Brody’s hair, and he smiled. Steve turned to him and put a hand on his chin. “Thank you for listening to me,” he whispered before he pulled him into a long kiss. 

It was affectionate and far too fragile for kids their age. Billy thought about this as Steve pulled away and put his attention back on the movie. Steve’s parents wouldn’t be home for over a week, and they had the entire house to themselves. Other teenagers would have thrown a party, gotten blackout drunk, maybe even fucked in his empty bedroom- not having to hide or keep quiet. But Steve had been right before when he said that none of that shit mattered anymore.

The things they had been through- it changed everything.

The television played all through the night and Steve didn’t get up to turn it off until the sun was streaming in through the windows behind them and Billy was too exhausted to keep his eyes open. They fell asleep on the couch together and neither one of them dreamed.

When Billy woke up the next morning, Steve was still sleeping soundly on top of him. He lazily climbed out and stretched his sore muscles. He checked the clock and saw that it was already afternoon, but he didn’t feel bad for sleeping in. The fact that he got any rest at all was a blessing really. 

He left Steve to sleep and ambled over to the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, his hand ghosted over his ear and he had a sharp intake of breath when he saw his neck. It was covered in dark bruises, and Billy knew that he wouldn’t be able to go to school tomorrow looking like this. With a grimace, he lifted up his shirt and saw more bruising. He was lucky that Neil hadn’t broken anything. 

A tired voice sounded from behind him, and Billy turned to see Steve leaning against the door frame. “Morning.” He dropped the hem of his shirt and gave a weary grin of his own.

“Hey,” he returned fondly.

“I’m going to make some coffee and eat something. Is cereal good for you?” Billy just nodded and followed him into the kitchen. 

The coffee pot sputtered to life as Steve grabbed the cereal from the top of the fridge. Billy grabbed some bowls from the cabinet and they passed by each other in the kitchen with a practiced ease. As if they had been doing it for years. 

They sat down together at the table and Steve poured milk into his Fruit Loops. The carton was passed to him and as he poured some into his own bowl, he worried at his bottom lip as he thought back to Steve's story. Neil’s abuse had affected nearly every part of Billy. Between his violent outbursts and uncontrollable emotions at times, he wasn't sure how Steve was holding everything together. He seemed untouched by his tragedy. “What you told me last night, after everything you've been through- you seem fine.” 

Steve considered it for a second before saying, “I have good friends and I have you. It makes it easier to forget.” Billy squeezed his hand comfortingly and they were stuck in a moment before the doorbell broke them out of it.

“Are you expecting anyone?” Billy asked and Steve shook his head. Steve got up to answer the door and Billy trailed behind him suspiciously. Steve opened the door and the chief was standing there awkwardly.

“Hey,” Hopper said gruffly. 

“Oh hey Hopper- I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I called but no one picked up. Can I come in, I have to talk to Billy.”

“Yeah, of course.” Steve said, opening the door a little wider so Hopper could step through. Hopper walked in and they sat at the kitchen table to talk.

Steve poured Hopper a cup of coffee who only grimaced at it and turned to look towards Billy. “How are you holding up?” He started with but Billy only gave him a pointed look. “Did you call Susan?” He continued when he realized that Billy wasn’t going to answer.

“No, we never got the chance.” Steve responded and Hopper nodded.

“I went to see Neil this morning after Steve called me last night.”

“Oh yeah, how did that go?” His voice was defensive and he tried hard to sound nonchalant. His leg shook beneath the table and Steve placed a comforting hand on it.

“He was gone by the time I got there. Susan hasn't seen him and the car isn't in the driveway. I think he ditched town after yesterday.”

“Shit.” Billy said, feeling speechless. “He's gone?”

“I'm not sure but I think he is for now. It doesn't mean he won't come back, so I need you to be careful and let me know if you see him or if he tries to contact you. My officers will be looking but it's possible he's not coming back.”

“What does that mean for me?”

“Well, Susan says that there still a place with her if you want it. But, you’re eighteen so the decision falls on you to where you want to go now." Hopper says as he digs around in his jacket for something. Billy hears the familiar jingle of his car keys as Hopper pulls them out of his pocket. 

"He's staying with me." Steve said protectively, grabbing onto Billy's arm who laughed at the affection. 

"Guess I'm taken," Billy joked and Hopper quirked his brow with a chuckle and nodded. Seeing Hopper had put him on edge at first, but knowing that Neil wasn’t around anymore made him feel lighter than ever before.

“I would drop a line to Susan if you have the chance. You don’t owe her anything, but she wants to apologize.” Hopper said as he finally handed over the keys to Billy. They’re heavy in his palm. “Otherwise, that’s everything. The school’s excused you for a couple days and I wouldn’t go until the bruisings healed.” Hopper finished as he stood up from the table and they followed him back to the front door. His coffee was still full and steaming.

"Try to stay out of trouble you two, and if you see Neil- call me. I'll be around.” He turned to speak to Billy again. "I'm sorry about your father, kid. I wish you had called sooner and we could have gotten that jackass behind bars." Billy just nodded solemnly and Steve spoke before Hopper could reach out for the door.

"Hey Billy, could you give me a second with Hop?" Steve asked with a lingering hand on his arm again, like he wanted to touch but knew that he shouldn't. 

"Yeah, sure." He said, rubbing his knuckles briefly, before heading back into the kitchen. Billy sat down at the table and listened to their conversation. He could tell they weren't talking about him. 

"How are you holding up?" Steve asked and Hopper laughed.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that, kid?" Billy could imagine the look Steve gave him because Hopper responded a second later. "I'm doing okay. Sometimes I still try to get my head around what we saw, but I don’t think that's ever gonna happen." 

"And Eleven?" 

"She’s pretty antsy. I want to put her in school with the rest of the kids, but we still have at least a year before it's really safe. If it's ever safe." 

"Well if you need a babysitter, I'm apparently quite good at that. Or if you ever want to talk, there's so few of us that saw it."

"Thank you, but don't you have your hands full already?" Hopper asked and it Billy a second to realize he was referring to him.

Steve laughed, "There's always room for those kids. But yeah, I'm trying to take care of him the best way I can." His voice turns somber. "Seeing what Neil did that night- Every time I hear more of what he's done, it just keeps getting worse." Billy felt his heart ache at the thought of Steve wanting to take care of him. It made him feel loved in a way he tries he ignore. "He has terrible nightmares-" Steve started before he cut himself of. His voice was lighter when he asked, "What are you snickering at?" 

"How do you know he gets nightmares?" Billy could hear the grin in his words.

"He starts mumbling things and thrashing around- I don't know, the usual kind of stuff?" 

"You guys share a bed?" Hopper laughed and Billy could hear Steve huff indignantly. 

He choked on his words before he relented, "You're a terrible detective if you just realized that." 

"Nah- it was the little arm grab before. I never thought Billy of all people-"

"What about me? I was with Nancy before!" 

"Yeah but, I don't know, you turned into the babysitter and you take care of the kids, and now you take care of Billy." Billy heard Steve let out a perverted laugh.

"Yeah I do." Hopper squawked at that and Steve continued to laugh. 

"I don't want to know- I'll see you around. If you need anything, call. Billy’s car is out front." Billy heard the front door open. "I would wish you guys luck, but I think you're gonna be just fine." Billy chuckled when the door closed and he tossed his keys on the table.

Steve was always taking care of people- always listening to Billy or talking about the kids or how he asked how Hopper was doing and didn't take no for an answer. He took care of everyone but no one took care of him. Billy wanted to be that person. 

Billy walked over to Steve, and grabbed at his waist. Steve made a small noise in surprise as he was pulled in close, and Billy stared at him longingly before crashing into a sloppy kiss. Nails gently raked down his back, and Billy could feel himself growing hard in his pants. 

"I wanna take care of you," Billy heard himself moan before pushing Steve up against the wall and slipping his tongue inside his mouth. The kissing wasn't like it had been the last few days. Ever since he showed up on the doorstep, the touches were soft and gentle. Like Steve was afraid that Billy was going to break. But now their teeth clashed and their hands were grabbing and rubbing and touching. It was passionate and dirty as they tried to get as close to each other as possible.

Billy felt Steve start to pull him towards the bedroom, and he couldn't be happier that Steve's parents were far, far away. He stopped thinking so much when Steve's mouth was suddenly somewhere else, and he moaned instead. The only thing left in his head was how he was going to return the favor, and give Steve the best blow job of his life.


	5. A Lie To Help You Get By

Billy blinked his bleary eyes awake to the sound of an engine starting in the driveway. Turning over to check the alarm clock, he realized that it was already early morning and that Steve was heading to school. Billy would have gone too- except that Hopper had given him permission to skip a couple of days, at least until the swelling in his face had gone down. With a sigh, he collapsed back into the encompassing sheets and let his arm fall onto Steve’s empty side of the bed. It was still warm.

Billy dug his head into his pillow and willed himself back to sleep, but he found his thoughts buzzing wildly in his head. He stayed in bed for close to an hour, falling in and out of dreams that swarmed his mind with old memories. He soon gave up on sleep and laid drifting in the past. Back to when he was a child in a loud house whose walls shook with his father’s screams and mother’s deafening silence. But with the bad, came the good as well. He thought back to when he would pull on his Mom’s long blonde braids when she held him. Or when Neil gave him a pat on the back for winning a science fair of all things- when he actually tried to please an unpleasable man. 

Billy didn’t know what to expect that night, the night when Neil came home talking about packing their things and moving to Indiana. Billy thought he was joking at first but his grave face told him that whatever the plan, he should keep his mouth shut and start putting his things in boxes. He never thought that he would meet someone like Steve. Someone who cared so much without reason. He never expected anything out of Billy except what he was willing to give, and it was intoxifying. Billy wondered where Neil was now- probably on the run in his old Cadillac- but it hardly mattered to him anymore. Whether he was gone for good or not, Billy wasn’t going anywhere. He finally felt rooted somewhere in a way he hadn’t been in California. He felt free. With Steve by his side, he could do anything. He hoped that Steve felt the same. 

Billy got out of bed feeling better than usual, the weight of his problems lighter than they had been in months. He took a quick shower and pulled on more of Steve’s clothes. After that, he moved to the kitchen to make breakfast. He lingered near the cork board where Hopper’s number was scrawled onto a piece of paper. The Chief said that he would check in on him regularly, and Billy suspected that he just needed something to do in the sleepy town of Hawkins. The crime certainly wasn’t what Hopper was used to in Chicago. 

He poured some cereal and milk into a bowl and ate quietly at the table. Since he didn’t have to go to school, he could just sit on the couch and pick through the Harrington’s movie collection. As nice as that sounded, Billy decided that it was time to see Susan. He hadn’t really formed any kind of relationship with her- they barely talked. Billy assumed it was out of guilt that Susan offered him a place to stay, but he needed to tell her that he didn’t blame her. 

As he swallowed the rest of his breakfast, he added his bowl to Steve’s that was still sitting in the sink from earlier. Without thinking too hard about it, he cleaned both plates before grabbing his car keys and one of Steve’s heavier jackets from the closet. As much as Billy never wanted to see that old house again, he started his car up anyway and pulled out onto the road. The trip was becoming more familiar than he wanted it to be. He squeezed the gas as he shot down the road. The faster he went- the faster this whole thing would be over.

When he pulled up to the house, he saw Susan’s car sitting in the driveway. A small thought in his head nagged him that he should have called first, but he ignored it. Hopper said that she wanted to talk- wanted to apologize- but Billy didn’t know what she had to apologize for. It wasn’t her fault, how could it have been? He climbed the steps leading to the door and knocked. It pulled open before him and Billy looked down to see Max. 

“Billy!” Max shouted happily before running forward and tackling him in a tight hug.

“Hey Red,” Billy laughed softly as he caught his balance. “Miss me?” Max nodded her head against him and he ruffled her hair affectionately. As she pulled away, her hand shot out and dragged him into the house. Looking around he noticed that the dingy wallpaper looked brighter than it used to, and he saw Susan standing near the kitchen. Her lips curved into a slight smile as she waved at him. She looked tired- with heavy bags under her eyes and wrinkles in places he had never noticed them before. 

“Are you coming back?” Max asked with childish excitement, directing Billy’s attention back on her. 

“Oh- well, not really kiddo. I think I’m going to stay with Steve for a while longer.”

“Are you sure?” Max continued in a soft voice. 

“Yeah, I think he’s just what I need right now.” Billy said with a smile before looking over to Susan who had escaped into the kitchen. “Let me see Susan and then we can talk.” Max nodded and climbed onto the couch as Billy walked towards the distressed redhead. Susan was sitting at the kitchen table- her nimble fingers fumbling with a pack of cigarettes. The ashtray beside her was overflowing with old smokes and the fug of nicotine was settling into the grain of the table. She pulled out a cigarette for herself and offered him the pack. He took one and waited for Susan to tip the lighter his way. 

“I fell in love with Neil a few months after we started seeing each other,” Susan said, her eyes glazing over like she was lost in a memory. She paused to take another drag, everything she wanted to say almost stumbling out of her mouth in a string of incoherent cries. “I thought he was perfect. Always so kind and thoughtful to Maxine. I thought that, for once, I had finally found a good man. Someone to be a father to my little girl.” 

Billy’s gaze crawled up to her face and he saw regret staining her sad green eyes. Neil had tricked her- played the perfect husband for months until he just stopped pretending. He distantly wondered if he should have warned her. She hadn’t seen the evil uptick of his grotesque smile and run away. She fell in love and Billy was just beginning to realize how debilitating it was. He took another drag. 

“The first time I saw him hit you- I didn’t know who he was anymore. He wasn’t the man I fell in love with.” Her head shook wistfully and she pressed her cigarette out on the wooden table. It left a dark black stain.

“You stayed with him.” It wasn’t a question because Billy knew how she felt. Trapped and scared and alone. Trying to keep Max careless like all children should.

“I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. I thought I could change him. Get him to stop, but it was stupid. I should have called the police and taken you and Maxine back to California. I don’t know why I didn’t.”

“I’m not your responsibility Susan, I never expected that from you.” She let out a bitter laugh.

“You should have. But I just stood there and let him. I’ve been a terrible mother-” Her voice choked and old mascara dripped down her face. Billy stubbed his cigarette out and suddenly felt like he needed to run away. She was crying for him, for what she never did to save him. The whole thing made Billy feel nauseous. She crossed her arms protectively in front of her. “I’m so sorry Billy,” she said, her voice more genuine than he deserved. It reminded him of Steve. 

“It’s okay Susan, really. I mean- he’s gone now. He can’t hurt us anymore.” His voice seemed miles away as he thought about his mother. _He can’t hurt us anymore._ “It’s okay now.” He finished quietly. Billy squeezed her hand from across the table and she gave him a firm nod even as her whole body shook. She let her fingers fall away and he stood up from the table to get out of the stifling room. 

When he walked into the living room, he saw Max standing right outside the door with glassy eyes and red cheeks. “What’s going on Max?” Billy asked, dropping to a knee in front of her. It was a stupid question- she must have heard everything. 

“I'm sorry I never did more to help,” Max said softly, her gaze lowered so she didn’t have to look into his face. Billy never wanted her to feel this way- never wanted her to have to deal with something so grown up when she was still so young. He never wanted her to know what Neil had done. "I saw him one night. You were supposed to help Susan with dinner, but I wanted to go to the arcade." Max continued with wet syllables. "I was in my room, and I heard yelling so I snuck out and hid behind the door to the living room. You were on the ground and you were shaking and Neil was kicking you-" Billy felt bile rising in his throat. Max was never supposed to see him like that. Her big brother so afraid. Her father so angry. "I was really scared." 

"So was I." Billy admitted without a second thought. He thought he would have taken that secret to the grave, but Max wasn’t just anyone. She was his little sister. 

"I'm so sorry-" she said and tears fell as her voice shook recklessly. "If I didn't go that day, you would have made dinner and Neil wouldn't have done that awful thing." She argued, as if she could change it now with her anguish alone.

“It wasn’t your fault, Red. It was never your fault.” He pulled her into a strong hug and felt her small hands balling into the back of his jacket. He held on a little tighter. 

"We should have done more." She sounded exhausted and it left Billy wondering when Max had become so grown up.

"He's gone now. That's what matters. He can't hurt me anymore." Billy said as he pulled away, catching her eyes to make sure she was listening- that she understood what he was about to say. “You shouldn’t blame yourself for the things he’s done.” Max nodded her head and wiped the wet tracks off her cheeks. He let his own words turn over in his head as he gave her a reassuring smile. His whole body ached to see Steve. “I gotta go now Max. Are you gonna be okay?”

She gave him a shaky nod and Susan came out from the kitchen to comfort her as Billy ran out of the house.

Everything sped past him in a blur of time as his wheels eased onto the asphalt and towards the high school. He wasn’t sure how he came to be the one holding people together when he could barely keep the pieces of himself from falling apart. His fingers were shaking and his body was thrumming with the need to be with Steve. With someone who understood and cared. Billy didn’t know when he came to rely on the other boy, but familiar anger was calcifying in his fists and he was trying not to fight anymore. He was trying to be better. He needed to see Steve.

He got to school at the change of classes and walked through heavy doors to the cacophony of lockers slamming shut. There was a bell going off and the noise vibrated in his skull as he searched the hallway for untamable brown hair and long lanky arms. Arms that would wrap around him and keep him from melting into a puddle on the ground. He realized how he must have looked- eyes wild and face beaten. Purple bruises around his neck. He could hear people whispering as he got to Harrington’s locker, but he could barely understand them. Steve wasn’t there and Billy was desperate. 

He saw Nancy Wheeler exchanging textbooks at her own locker, her back towards him. Billy reluctantly walked over to her and wondered if Steve ever mentioned their relationship. He seemed to tell her everything. She turned around when she heard him and her piercing stare caught the words in his throat. Surprise might have washed over her face when she saw the bruising, but she covered it instantly. 

“Who did you beat up this time, Hargrove?” Her voice burnt like acid, her words not at all like he had expected. Distrust bled off of her in tangible waves, and Billy realized that Steve must not have told her anything. A startling amount of shame burned away in his chest. 

“What- no one. Look, I need to see Steve. Do you know where-”

“You need to back off of Steve. You may have him fooled, but you can’t trick me.”

“What-” Billy stammered as she pushed a finger into his injured chest. 

“You’re gonna be a monster one day. Maybe you already are. And I’m not letting you pull Steve down with you.” She said and Billy felt the world stop moving around him. His breath stuttered in his lungs as she slammed her locker shut and walked away without so much as another glance. 

Billy could fight it all he wanted to, but he was a monster. A disease. An algae that ate away at everything good- the way he picked his mother to pieces until she was gone too. 

He felt sickness begging to come up from his stomach- felt an ugly sort of grief tearing through him. He thought about Max and Susan crying over him and imagined that without Billy- they could have had a happy life with Neil. A small house in a little town with an arcade. A husband, a wife, and a daughter. No more room for blonde hair and cornflower blue eyes. 

Billy felt like he was going to break apart in the middle of the hallway and he wondered if anyone would notice. Kids milled around him like a ghost, heading to class before the late bell sounded. Before not too long- Billy was the only one left. Alone with the forgotten english assignments crushed up in the corners of the halls. Alone with the gum trampled into the grey tile. Steve still wasn’t there. 

He swallowed loudly, but he was the only one around to hear it. He left the building and slowly walked back to his car. He didn’t have anywhere to go. 

Hot tears dripped down his face and rough sobs shook him apart as he slumped down onto the steering wheel. He was finally falling apart at the seams. It was easier before Steve, and Max, and the termites. He never used to care. He would throw insults and his fists and remembered what would happen if he got too close. Get too close and you’ll get hurt. He doesn’t know why he forgot that. Act tough- act mean, and no will care enough to try. But Steve wasn’t like normal people and he cared even when he was going to get hurt for it.

Thinking about Steve shot another pain through his chest. He didn’t want to feel that and he didn't want to think about him. Didn’t want to think about anything. He turned his key in the ignition and pulled out of the lot. He eyed Steve’s Beamer as he left and pressed his foot down harder.

He drove and drove. Up and down back roads- going until the streets stopped and he had to circle back around just to keep the tires moving and his brain occupied on those little white lines. Billy opened the windows and let the cold settle over him just so he had something to blame when his muscles started to shake.

He swiped at his eyes as the road blurred before him.

The pain in his chest had begun to devolve into white hot anger. The kind he always saw in his father right before he swung. He didn’t have anywhere to go, anyone left to miss him. Just open road and anger and bitter disillusionment. Because for _a moment_ he thought he could have what he wanted. He thought he could let his guard down and let Steve-

He slammed his hand down on the steering wheel and felt like he was going mad in the silence. He turned his music up and let it pound against his ears. In a split second decision, Billy crashed his foot onto the brakes and his car slid to a stop in a orchestra of tires screeching and music blaring. He quickly pulled the car around and started back the way he had came. He let the music soak into his vibrating bones, let the shake of the car jumble his fucking soul, and let his thoughts focus solely on the way to a liquor store to get a drink.

When he got there, he scoured the isles in silence until he picked up a bottle of whisky. He must have looked crazy, and if it were any other place- they might not have sold it to him. But they didn’t card and they didn’t care so he took his bottle and got back in his car. He took off towards the scrapyard next.

He didn’t realize how late it was until he was standing on the road. The last dregs of sunlight brightened the sky enough for Billy to find a path from the street and into the clearing in the junkyard. It was always empty. He parked his car on the side of the road, grabbed the whisky, and started to walk. He climbed up the low hill and saw the building that marked the clearing for trash. Billy took a deep pull from the bottle before he sunk into the anger that was flooding through his veins. He put the bottle down on the hood of one of the old junkers and shrugged his jacket off. As he tossed it onto the car- he realized that he didn’t recognize it as his own.

It was Steve’s.

He turned around and landed a punch into the side of one of the destroyed cars. He didn’t stop until his knuckles were uselessly scrapped and bleeding. To his left, he saw a pile of discarded plywood. He grabbed one of the planks and crashed it down on the windshield of the junker. Then he busted one of the headlights in and glass shards exploded into his face. It grazed the side of his cheek and broke the skin. Just another cut in the midst of so many injuries. He continued beating in the hunk of metal until its skeleton twisted under his hands. His muscles cried and it left him feeling empty and exhausted. He let the wood slip out of his grip and he grabbed his whisky. He fell against the driver’s side door and slid to the ground. 

His back was cold against the metal and the sun had set. He drank with generous gulps- draining most of the bottle with only a couple pulls. He felt cloudy. He sloppily pulled a cigarette out of the pack and flipped his lighter open. He watched the flame lick the metal for a couple seconds before he tilted it towards the paper. He took the first drag and felt the nicotine mixing with his buzz. It didn’t make him feel any better- but it didn’t make it worse either. He took another drag. The cigarette burned almost religiously between his fingers.

Steve deserved more. Someone who wasn’t so broken that they couldn’t even sleep through the night. Someone who skipped school to play hooky, and not because the bruising was still too ugly.

Time slipped away from him as he sat against the discarded waste and it all felt very apt to him. Alone with the things that had been thrown away. He sat there and drank and felt sorry for himself. He lit every new cigarette with the burning butt of his last. He smoked until his lungs hurt and his mouth tasted like tar. He laughed as he thought about how naive he had been. How incredibly stupid. He touched the welt left by his father's cigarette. You're right. He shook his head sharply and took another long pull.

Among the memories of his father, were memories of Steve too. Of standing under the shower spray in the locker room, calling him pretty and leaving before Steve could see the blush rising in his cheeks. Or when everything was fucked, and he beat his face into the wooden flooring of the Byer’s living room. Not even a week after that, he showed up at Steve’s locker with a hasty apology on the tip of his tongue. 

Most importantly, Billy could recall their first date like it was yesterday. 

He remembered looking in mirror that night as he sprayed his curls into place and put his favorite earrings in. When he usually got ready for dates, he would play his music loud and leer at himself. Getting ready to see Steve though- he felt so insignificant. His room was quiet and his door was unlocked because he didn't dare get Neil's attention. Not that night. When he left, his shirt was buttoned low and his jeans were tight, but his face was twisted with anxiety. He almost didn't start the car, battling the urge to just cut his losses and go back into the house. But he bit his lip, turned the key in the ignition, and left. 

When he made it to the lot, Billy felt like he was sweating through his shirt. He had opened the windows on the way there, when the smell of his cologne became too overwhelming. The crisp October air blew through and helped clear his head and settle his nerves. The cold wind brushed against the exposed skin between the top buttons of his shirt and he cursed as he looked down. Billy suddenly felt ridiculous, treating Steve like one of those stupid cows from school.

He never should have come here. Billy was about to pull the car into reverse when a knock on the window pulled him out of his thoughts. Steve was standing there with a sweet smile on his face. 

Later that night, when Billy was walking Steve back to his car, he wrung his hands nervously as he worried. He should have just said goodbye at the diner but he walked him to his car and now Billy didn’t know what to do with himself. Steve’s Beamer was parked in the back of the lot, in a dark space just out of view of any street lights. Just as Billy was going to clumsily excuse himself, Steve pulled him into a kiss. It rendered him completely useless- turning his arms and legs into rubber. It took a few seconds for his lips to respond and then Steve was biting and Billy couldn’t breath. He couldn’t go home with a hickey, Neil would see it and he couldn’t deal with that after such a good night. He pulled away and realized that his hands had snaked around the other boy’s waist. They clung to each other for a couple moments as Steve whispered in his ear, “When can I see you again?” His voice was quiet and raspy and it made Billy hard just hearing it. 

"You busy tomorrow?" Billy asked, afraid that if he waited too long Steve would come to his senses. 

He nodded with a sloppy smile across his lips. "After school, meet me at my car." Billy gave him one last kiss before they both went their separate ways home.

He licked his lips and a small well of blood seeped onto his tongue. He hoped that Neil wouldn’t notice. 

Looking back on that night- it went perfectly. It was such a nice little memory- the kind he wanted to clutch onto when the bad ones caught up and pulled him under. 

He heard footsteps coming up from the direction of the street and shivered as he realized how cold it had gotten since the sun had fallen and the night had set in. The smoking helped quell the dull ache of hunger and the whisky, which he had finished at least an hour ago, was still warm in his stomach. His eyes slowly tracked over to the noise.

Billy instinctively curled his shoulders close to his body as a dusky silhouette peered over the hill. He was trying to hide and become smaller than his frame would allow. Maybe he could disappear into the darkness completely and then the mysterious footsteps would walk by and Billy could be alone again.

“Billy?” A tentative voice questioned as it drew closer. “Is that you?” It was Steve. Just hearing his voice made the pain and the shame and the anger slam back into him. Regret burned beneath his sternum. He picked his head up to see him.

“What are you doing here?” He slurred. It was supposed to come out as cutting, but it sounded pathetic even to Billy’s ears. 

“I got home and you were gone. I assumed you just wanted to get some air, but you didn’t come back.”

“How’d you find me?”

“I called Susan. She said you didn’t look too good when you left her place. I thought you would want to be alone. It doesn’t get much quieter than out here.” Steve took a few steps forward and Billy struggled to his feet- furious heat pouring off of him in waves. Steve was smart enough not to offer a hand.

“Get the fuck outta here Harrington.” He forced the words through clenched teeth.

“We’re back to last names now?” He puffed out nervously, as if this whole thing was going to turn into some bad joke. 

“Yes.” Billy sneered, pushing off of the car and stumbling forward.

“Are you at least gonna tell me what I’ve done?” Steve asked in bitter frustration. 

“What did you think this was? I just wanted to have a little fun.” He tried for easy nonchalance and cursed when his eyes burned with tears. 

Steve chuckled lightly, like he didn’t believe him, and Billy heard himself ground out, “Fuck you,” as he threw out his palms to push Harrington down. Steve must have finally been planting his feet or maybe it was a testament to how very drunk Billy was that he didn’t move an inch. He just stood there with his critical eyes softening at how pathetic he was. A monster no more hurtful than the little Byers kid. 

“That’s not true Billy.” Steve said, but the shake in his voice betrayed his confidence. And if he didn’t know that Billy loved him by now, then he didn’t really know him at all. 

“Why would someone like me ever like someone like you?” He bit out defensively. Billy felt like he was about to puke, and he didn’t blame the alcohol for it.

“Whatever you’re doing right now, it’s not going to work. I know you.” Steve said, sounding more convinced when Billy didn’t respond right away. 

“You don’t.” He responded weakly.

“I do.” His voice was soft like sad music. He took a step so they were only centimeters apart. His hands rose up to Billy’s face and rested on his cheeks. Billy wanted to push them off- kick him down and yell at him to run away before it was too late. But he couldn’t move and the comfortable touch uncurled the tension that was sprung inside his muscles. “You’re scared to admit that you care because you think you’ll lose everything all over again. I don’t what he did to make you feel that way, but running away doesn’t help. Please don’t push me out.” Steve was looking straight at him and his unguarded expression alone made Billy’s gaze squirm. He gave in and looked into his eyes. “There you are.”

His hands were warm and comforting and close. Billy fell into them. Steve held him tightly, tucking Billy’s head under his chin. Arms wrapped around him and Billy’s bloody knuckles clutched at his jacket.

“They told me that they were sorry.” Billy was shaking so bad that Steve was the only thing holding him up. 

“Let’s sit down- yeah?” Steve asked and Billy nodded his head against him. He guided him back over to the car and Billy sunk down to the ground- back with the cigarette butts and the empty bottle. But then Steve was there and he draped the jacket from before back over his shoulders. He joined him against the car, leaning into Billy’s side as a comfortable weight to ground him.

Billy was quiet for a couple of moments and Steve waited patiently. The only thing giving away the other boy’s anxiety was the thumping of his fingers tapping away on his thigh. Billy placed a hand on them to stop the redundancy. “Susan said that she was sorry. She said that she was a terrible mother for not taking Max and I back to California. I told her that I didn’t blame her.”

“You forgave her?” Steve’s stinging voice made it clear that he didn’t.

“There’s nothing to forgive. I wasn’t her responsibility.” Steve opened his mouth to argue, but Billy leveled a withering stare at him. “Please- just don’t.” Steve bit his lip and let him continue.

“When I walked out of the kitchen, Max was standing there. And she had heard Susan and she just started babbling about how sorry she was. She must have seen Neil beating me one night and she thought it was because of her. And I don’t how long ago it was, or how long she’s just been living with that guilt, but she’s too young for it.” Steve frowned and Billy looked down at the uneven patches of grass and dirt beneath them. He dug his old sneaker into it. “I told her it wasn’t her fault, but I don’t know if she believes me.”

“Then we’ll just have to keep reminding her, won’t we?”

“I don’t think that it will be enough. Not this time. Not for either of them.” Steve’s hand squeezed Billy’s tightly. “I’ve carried this around for a long time- carried all of Neil’s shit with me like baggage. And I’ve blamed myself for all it and I couldn’t stand there and listen to them like things could have been different if all they had done was say something.” Billy felt like he couldn’t breath, but he pushed the words out anyway. “I fucking ran out of there, as fast as I could. And I needed to see you, because I knew that you could make sense out of all of this. And that without you, all I was gonna do was fall apart.”

“Did you try to find me?” Steve asked with worry lining his face and Billy nodded.

“I went to your locker, but you weren't there. I looked across the hallway, and Nancy was putting her books away. I thought she may have seen you but-” Billy stopped and he thought back to her tough voice and steely eyes and he shook his head.

“What happened?”

“You never told her about us.” Shame flared inside of him again as the words tumbled from his lips. “You tell her everything, but you didn’t tell her about me.” He quickly wiped at his eyes so Steve wouldn’t see the wetness.

“I thought you wanted to keep this quiet. I would have told everyone Billy, but I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Yeah. I just- I always thought you would have told her anyway. Because you trust her with everything. So when she looked at me like- like I was a fucking monster- I knew I didn’t belong. I’m only dragging you down.” Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulder and laid a strong kiss on his forehead.

“No- that’s not true. I’m so lucky to have you.” Steve was only inches away, but Billy felt like he had never been so far.

“Nancy was right.” He couldn’t catch his breath, his thoughts big and overwhelming and they pulled him down like the waves coming to shore. “I’m tricking you and I’m tricking myself. I mean- why did I think that I could have all of this?” His shaky syllables spun sequentially like it suddenly all made sense. “I hurt people Steve, that’s what I do. If you stay with me, I know I’m going to hurt you too. You deserve more than that.”

“Don’t I get to decide.” 

“This isn’t a fucking joke- you don’t even know who I am. What I’ve done.”

“So tell me. Tell me everything Billy.” He spoke with so much depth that Billy felt like he was just teetering over the edge.

“What are you trying to prove?” Billy asked, shaking his head wistfully.

“That you deserve more credit than you’re giving yourself.” Steve slipped the last cigarette out of his pack. He lit the end and took a long drag before passing it to Billy. 

He squeezed his eyes shut and rested his back against Steve’s warm chest. He let the smoke settle his jumpy bones and passed it back. “I didn’t get out of bed the day after my Mom died. It was probably the only time that Neil didn’t make me.” He remembered that day in a haze of blurry moments. The curtains in his room were drawn and a chair was jammed under the doorknob. He spent the whole day swaddled in blankets- crying the few minutes when he wasn’t asleep. “She always promised me that we were going to leave- that she was going to pull some money together and find us a place. But one day, she went grocery shopping and didn’t come back. Then the police called and suddenly I was all alone.”

“Did he hurt her too?” Steve asked, his thumb brushing comfortingly against Billy’s arm. 

“No.” His voice seemed far away. “In the beginning, all I ever wanted to do was yell and scream at him, but I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want her to get hurt.”

“She should have been the one protecting you.” 

Billy ignored his soft syllables and kept going. “After the funeral, Neil got up real close to me. He slapped me in the face and I- I just lost it. I started fucking screaming at him- about how it was all his fault that she died.” Billy’s throat hurt just thinking about that night- remembering how the words tore out of him before he could even think about how monumentally dumb he was being. But it felt good- his anger flying towards the one person who deserved it. “You see, it just didn’t make sense to me. We lived through all of Neil’s shit- and she died in a car accident. It was just so stupid.” Billy shook his head through stinging laughter. “I should have kept my mouth shut.” 

“What happened?” Steve asked worriedly when Billy didn’t continue right away. Instead, he gestured for the cigarette and tried to pry the words off of his tongue. He had never told anyone so much before and it was giving him a headache. 

“What do you think happened? He beat me so bad that I ended up in the hospital. I still remember how agonizing the pain was- I didn’t walk right for weeks. I never spoke back to him after that.”

“I’m so sorry baby,” Steve said, planting a kiss on his forehead. Billy squeezed his eyes shut and let the feeling soak deep into every broken part of his soul. 

“I know it hasn’t been that long, but I feel like you’ve shown me what life is supposed to be like.” He looked up at Steve’s face, afraid of the response. “I can’t go back to how it was before- I can’t.”

“It’s okay, Neil’s gone and I’m not going anywhere.” Nicotine buzzed under his skin but Steve’s arms were wrapped around him- making him feel sober and safe and warm despite the cold wind blowing through the yard. Billy’s knuckles stung, but they weren’t bleeding and his head was blissfully clear. As Billy looked into the battered metal frame from before, he already saw himself changing. Usually, when he looked into the things that his anger destroyed, he always saw blood and maybe even broken bone.

But tonight, it was just old paint and rusted steel. His father was a piece of shit, and Billy refused to be just like him.


	6. Love is Stubborn

Billy’s fingers were tapping nervously on the warm tray of food in his lap. They were pulling up to the Byer’s house for a “family” dinner, and Billy couldn’t help but imagine all the ways it would go wrong. His tetchy fingers moved up to pull at the collar of his shirt before Steve swatted them away. 

“They’re gonna hate me.” Billy groaned, rubbing his eyes with the heel’s of his hands. 

“They don’t hate you.” Steve laughed and Billy could feel a grin spread across his face as he slapped his shoulder without any real heat behind it.

“Don’t laugh at me!” Billy chuckled. He was silent for a moment and then added in a small whisper, “I’m not joking.” Steve’s face fell slightly until there was only a soft smile left.

“They don’t hate you. You’ve changed so much in the last few months and they see that. You deserve to have people see that.” Billy felt like his cheeks were burning, but it was good. It was what he needed to hear. 

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now let’s go before they start without us!” Billy sighed dramatically, but pulled himself out of the car with the tray balanced in his hands. It’s not that he wasn’t excited, it’s just that he didn’t know what to expect. 

He had been having bad dreams the whole week in anticipation. About him walking through the same door that he had kicked in only months ago- and having the entire house stop to look at him. Their eyes as sharp as the nail’s on Steve’s bat as they stared, and he wasn’t used to being vulnerable. But there he was- armed only with a tray of buttery mashed potatoes and lackluster apologies. 

He trusted that Steve wouldn’t bring him if he wasn’t sure, but he still picked nervously at the puckered skin of his new earring and wished that he had time for a cigarette. 

Steve bounded up the path to the front door as Billy dragged his feet and tried to keep up. He expected to have another second to collect himself, but Steve didn’t knock. He just opened up the door and kicked his shoes off on the mat. Like this was another home for him, another family tucked away three blocks away from his own. Billy wished that he would feel the same way one day.

When they walked in, Billy’s eyes lagged on the door frame and then the ground. And suddenly he was having a flashback to that night. And Steve was on the floor and Billy was on top of him and there’s old anger like he hasn’t felt in months. 

But it’s not real. He knows its not.

He took a deep breath and blinked and Max was standing there. The lights were dim and homey and the house smelt like food and Max had a smile on her face. Billy looked up to the rest of the room- looking for cutting stares and angry faces- but there weren't any. The adults waved at him. He could see Joyce and Nancy drinking wine in the kitchen and laughing about God knows what. The kids yelled something to Steve but continued their game. Except for Max- who was grabbing the tray from out of his hands and placing it down on the table so she could trap him in a hug.

“You made it!” 

“What- and miss all of this? Never.” Billy said jokingly as they pulled apart. 

“Hah, as if Steve would have let you skip,” She said teasingly and Billy felt himself snort.

“That too,” He laughed and watched as Lucas pulled her back into the game with the rest of them. Max had always seemed older to Billy. Wiser than the average middle schooler should be. Maybe it was because of her father leaving or Susan raising her alone for the last few years. Maybe it was because she watched her mother fall in love with a hardened man. Whatever the reason, Billy hadn’t seen it at first. He didn’t want to like her, and he didn’t want her in the house with him and Neil. But she understood Billy more than he understood himself. 

She just knew. And it could have been because she saw what Neil did to him, and saw what Susan didn’t, and listened when no one thought she would. But she knew. And it was clear that night. When she stood over him with the bat- unafraid when she should have been terrified. She knew he wouldn’t hurt her. Just like she knows what Steve is to him now. What the entire Byer’s family dinner is.

Maybe he needs to be talking to her more.

Billy’s gaze tracked around the room for Steve, and caught him before he disappeared into the kitchen. He bit his lip anxiously and moved to sit on the couch with Hopper, who was nursing a steaming cup of coffee.

“Hey. It’s nice that you showed up. I mean, now that you and Steve are-” Hopper started and Billy felt himself go red as he cut him off.

“Please don’t finish that thought.” He said miserably and Hopper barked out a laugh. Billy felt himself genuinely smiling at the other man’s antics. 

“Yeah, you’re right. But still-” His gruff voice continued. “It’s a good thing. For both of you.” Billy didn’t know much about Hopper except for what Steve had told him. He knew that he was a cop and had been for a long time. He knew that he had been living in Chicago until his divorce. And that something had happened but Steve wasn’t clear about any of it and there was something hollow about the way he talked sometimes. And for all that Hopper didn’t know about them, there was something about the heaviness of his voice. 

Hopper cleared his throat, “Still no sign of Neil?”

“No. I don’t think he’s coming back either.” Billy cautioned. Honestly, he spent most days trying not to think about Neil. If he knew anything about his father- its that he didn’t leave things unfinished. He always had the last word. It was madness to think that this time would be any different. And if Neil came back now and destroyed everything that Billy had made, he didn’t think he could do it again. 

“I guess that’s okay then. Are you still staying with Steve?” Hopper asked and Billy nodded. 

“Yeah. His parents are nice and they’re mostly out of town anyway. Susan offered me a place back home, but-” His voice drifted as he tried to grasp the words to explain it.

“It’s not really home, is it?” Hopper supplied and Billy nodded. 

“No, it’s not. If I wanted to go home then I would probably go back to California and I’m eighteen now, so I guess I could but…” 

“Hawkins growing on you?” 

“I guess it is.” Billy said and his eyes wandered around the room to see all the people who were changing his life. His gaze caught on Steve, who was having a heated discussion with Nancy in the other room. 

Hopper turned around to sneak a glance himself and said, “Steve’s defending your honor, huh?” Billy felt the worry crack away as his own smile caught him off guard. 

He wasn’t used to having friends anymore. He had left everyone behind in California- from the guys on the basketball team to all the kids he grew up with. He didn’t even pass his phone number onto them, because it just would have made Neil angry. Ever since he got to Hawkins, he was only worried about being the scariest kid in school. Before Steve, there wasn’t much. There were the random girls he took home to convince his father he was straight. And the guys he smoked pot with in the parking lot. Nothing that mattered. And now Billy was watching Steve defend him to someone who he had known a lot longer. Someone who he should have trusted more. And yet, he was watching them argue.

Steve’s face was stubborn and unyielding, and Nancy’s was too. Billy pushed his chair out as curiosity got the best of him, and he walked towards them. He stopped just out of their line of sight and listened from around the corner.

“He tried to kill you that night! Your face was fucked up for weeks, don’t you remember any of that!” She fumed and Steve nodded gravely. 

“I didn’t believe him either when he first apologized to me. I thought he was a piece of shit. But… I don’t know. He changed. It’s like he’s this completely different person under everything. Under all the things he claims to be- a bruiser, the keg king, the world’s worst fucking nightmare- he’s just a regular person.” Her expression lightened a fraction, but she didn’t look convinced. 

“He threatened Lucas,” She continued in a hard voice. 

“I know and it’s hard to forgive him for that. There’s a lot of reasons that night went down the way it did, and the only thing he can do now is try to be a better person. I mean, he’s not too different to what I was like before I met you. Hanging out with Tommy and Carol, pretending we were better than everyone else because we skipped class and drank beer. I was a piece of shit too. But that didn’t scare you. You saw exactly who I was under all of it, and I changed because of you.” Nancy’s eyes were soft and sad and Steve continued. “Billy needed me. He needed me to remind him that what he went through doesn’t change what he can do now. He needed to see that someone could still love him, after everything. And I do. In a way I couldn’t love you.” Nancy nodded and pulled Steve into a tight hug. 

Steve had a way of putting everything together, a way with words that Billy just didn’t have. He knew what Nancy needed to hear and he said it. Billy knew that if he had been the one talking to her, he would have just ended up screaming. She called him a monster and he didn’t think she could ever see past that, and he always yells when people dismiss him like that. He was working on it. 

As he turned away from them, he almost ran straight into Ms. Byer’s. "You're a little old to be eavesdropping, don't you think?" Joyce asked jokingly as she swept up behind him. 

Billy felt himself go a little red at having been caught, but he could tell that she was just teasing him so he tried to let the embarrassment go. "Yeah, a little. I couldn't help it."

"That's okay sweetheart. Here, come help me bring the food out to the table before I call everyone to dinner." She said as Billy followed her into the kitchen. She passed him a warm bowl full of the mashed potatoes, the same ones that Steve had stayed up all night slaving over. Neither of them were very good cooks, but they had done their best. "What's getting you all excited?"

"It’s nothing really. Nancy doesn't like me very much." Billy admitted and it wasn’t that Ms. Byer’s didn’t know that, it’s that Billy didn’t like to acknowledge it himself. Because now Steve has to defend him to everyone, and Billy hates that he put him in that position. Hates that he put himself in that position. 

"Don't hold it against her. She’s a lot stronger than I was at her age, and she wants to protect Steve and the kids. She’ll come around eventually." 

"I hope so." He said, as he placed the bowl down and then followed her back to the kitchen and had bread handed to him next. 

"You looked a little nervous when you first walked in- well actually you were as pale as a sheet. Are you feeling better now?" She asked kindly and Billy felt warm at her compassion. 

"A lot better. I was..." Billy trailed off and he thought about what he wanted to say. Normally he wouldn’t say anything, but Steve kept telling him that he should be more honest about how he feels and he imagined that Joyce wouldn’t have asked if she didn’t care. “I was worried that everyone still hated me. I mean, I would understand- after everything that happened. I’m trying to be better, but it’s hard. I was just worried that coming here was a mistake.” He finished and after they put everything down on the table, Joyce turned to him and placed her hands comfortably on his shoulders. 

"You have changed since that night and we can see that, Steve most of all. If any of us thought you would do it again, you wouldn't be here. You've done right by your sister and Steve." She affirmed and dropped her hands. “So don’t feel like you don’t belong here.”

“Thank you Ms. Byer’s, for everything.” He said, his voice gruff with more emotion than he thought her acceptance would bring.

"None of that, call me Joyce. Everyone else does." She said, and they both went back to the kitchen to get the last of the food.

Once the table was set, Joyce called everyone to dinner. Billy watched as Steve rounded up the termites and forced them into chairs. He grabbed a place for Steve and himself, and he suddenly felt like a kid again. Like he was in middle school, saving Steve a seat on the bus. He wondered for a moment what it would have been like, knowing Steve when they were still growing up. He smiled softly to himself, but quickly lost the thought as Steve sat down next to him and dropped a hand in his lap. 

The kids had already begun filling their plates as the adults waited for the frenzy to die down. Billy held on to Steve’s hand tightly under the table and watched as the food finally made its way around. The room was loud, everyone talking and laughing, shouting over each other to be heard. He even saw a piece of broccoli sail across the table before Nancy’s glare immediately stopped Mike from throwing another. 

It wasn’t like anything Billy had ever seen before. With Neil, dinners had been different. They were quiet and tense. And if you didn’t finish your food, he wouldn’t let you eat the next day. Neil always made his plate first, before anyone else and it hadn’t felt warm, not like it is now. Billy thought that he could get used this. In fact, there was nothing that he wanted more.

Joyce asked the kids about school and AV club and another wave of raucous laughter shook the walls. Under all the noise, Steve had a smile plastered on his face and asked, “Are you happy you came?”

“Yeah,” Billy chuckled as he let his eyes drift around the room and saw all the people he was proud to call his friends. “It’s nice to have a family again.” Steve squeezed his hand tighter and passed him the bowl of mashed potatoes. 

After dinner, the kids pulled Steve and Hopper into a game of D&D. While they were occupied, Billy stepped out for some fresh air and a smoke. He found a bench on the back porch that he sat down on, and the cold wood sent a chill through him. He had left Steve’s jacket inside, and he still hadn’t gotten one of this own. Buying a jacket was kind of a huge step for him, no matter how stupid he knew it sounded. It’s just that he wouldn’t need a jacket back in California. If he bought one now, it meant that he was staying. And it meant that Steve would probably want his back, which Billy was not okay with. 

He did dream of seeing Steve on the beach, his Farrah Fawcett hair soaked from the ocean’s spray. 

He reached into his pack and pulled out his lighter and considered it as he lit a cigarette. 

He let his free hand drift up to his neck- to the spot where Neil had pressed his cigarette out in his skin. It was healing, the wound now almost completely covered in scar tissue. Gone almost like it hadn’t happened in the first place, except he remembered the stuffy room and Neil standing and backing him up against the wall. 

He took a deep drag and tried to forget. But the longer he spent with Steve the more he realized that it’s not about forgetting. It’s about moving on. He was moving on from California and Neil and he was thinking about the future. He was thinking about community college or vocational training or even working at the garage down the block. He was thinking about leaving Hawkins and heading to Chicago or maybe going to the East Coast to see the beach again. 

But mostly he was thinking about who he wanted to be with. About who he wanted to get a job for and move away with. Because he wasn’t going anywhere unless Steve was right there with him. He laughed as he took another pull. He never thought he would find anything in Hawkins, but now he’s happy that Neil dragged them here. Because he’s got Max and the rest of the kids, and Hopper, and Joyce, and most importantly he’s got Steve. 

So when Billy tought about the future, it’s not just his- it’s Steve’s too. It’s about what colleges will accept him and what kind of apartment they want to get together. Steve hoped his father would support him even if he doesn’t go into the family business, but they’ll find a way without the Harrington’s money. Even if it’s a few cold and hungry nights, at least they’ll have each other.

And instead of being afraid of his mother’s memory, he’s cherishing it. He tells Steve about all the funny stories he can remember, all the good memories and even some of the bad ones. He tells him about all the dreams and the hopes she had, because she had so many before Neil. And the last thing on his mind is the accident, because that’s not who she was. 

She was long blonde hair and bright blue eyes and laughter and love. And he doesn’t have the nightmares so much anymore, because maybe she did get Billy away from Neil. She left him alone when she died, but that allowed Neil to find Susan and Max and Hawkins Indiana. She led him to Steve. And Billy knows that it’s a stretch and that it’s stupid, but he loves her for it.

He’s nursing the end of his cigarette and there are bitter tears in his eyes, but they’re happy and that’s new too. 

His train of thought was lost when he heard the back door open and watched Nancy walk outside. She was holding Steve’s jacket in her fist with an apologetic look on her face.

Billy took another deep breath before holding his smoke out to her. He didn’t think that she would take it, and was surprised when she easily picked it from his fingers and tossed the jacket onto his lap. 

“I’m sorry for what I said at the school. It-” She took the last pull from the cigarette before tossing it onto the ground. “It wasn’t right.”

“You don’t have to apologize- I mean, I get it.” He said, but she shook her head.

“He used to tell me everything, you know? We’d talk about basketball, and his college applications, and the kids. And sometimes he would call me in the middle of the night because he had a dream about Barb. And all of a sudden-” She swallowed hard for a second. “There was someone else. He didn’t tell me, but I knew. Everytime we talked, it always seemed like he was a million miles away. Like he wanted to tell me something but couldn’t. Then he started to talk about you. About how you apologized and that you guys had started hanging out. That you were different. I didn’t believe him, but I should have.” There was another second of silence and Billy itched to pull another smoke out from his pack, just to give his hands something to do. “I never thought that you two were together. I just don’t want him to get hurt.” Her leveled gaze bore into him. 

“Neither do I.” He responded back evenly. 

Nancy’s face relaxed and she smiled softly and said, “Good. I’m happy you two have each other. Now, I’m going to go back inside before my fingers freeze. You should come, D&D is not Steve’s game.” Billy smiled and followed her. 

When they walked back into the house, the kids were screaming cheerfully and Steve was laying on the floor in defeat. Billy snorted at the sight and joined him on the ground.

“I’m dead.”

“You’re dead?” Billy repeated.

“Yes,” Steve moaned.

“The demogorgon got him.” Dustin said and Billy’s eyebrows quirked in confusion, but he assumed it was just a part of the game.

“Well it might cheer you up to know that I can smell popcorn being made in the kitchen, which might mean that Joyce is about to put a movie in-” Once the words were out of his mouth, the kids were up and scrambling towards the living room to have first pick of the tapes. “And we can have a minute or two alone.” Billy finished, grinning at Steve. 

“How was Nancy?” Steve asked, sitting up.

“She was good, but I’m sure you knew that.” Billy said and Steve smiled. “Thank you.”

“Well someone’s gotta take care of you.” Steve joked but it fell flat around them. His words were heavy and it hurt Billy to hear them. Because he didn’t want to be a burden and he didn’t want Steve to feel stuck with him. 

“It doesn’t have to be you,” Billy said in a soft voice. It was barely above a whisper and Steve turned his head to stare at him. Billy looked down, avoiding the heavy gaze as it bore into him. “I wouldn’t blame you. I mean, the last few weeks have gone really fast and after Neil and everything…I just- I wouldn’t blame you if you were done.” He doesn’t know where the words came from, because the last thing he wanted Steve to do was leave, but he didn’t want him to stay for the wrong reasons. He didn’t want to be strung along, making plans for the future that the other boy had no intentions of actually doing. It was quiet for a couple of seconds- Billy concentrated on the worn carpet and Steve just staring.

“No,” He drawled slowly, breaking the silence. “It doesn’t have to be me, but I want to. Unless you don’t-” 

Billy looked up in a flurry and responded, “No! I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted to give you an out. If you want it.” His eyes felt like they were stinging. “I just don’t want you to feel obligated. And I don’t want you to deal with all my shit because you’re supposed to or something.”

“That’s not why I’m with you. You- I mean, you make me happy.” Steve said simply and Billy felt like laughing because for just this once, it could be that easy. “And I’ve got my shit, and you deal with it just as much. So if you’re gonna ask me that, then you have to answer it too.”

“I’m happy,” Billy mused and a wide smile broke out on Steve’s face. “Way more than I ever have been.” 

“We’re taking care of each other, and there’s no reason to feel guilty about that.” Steve finished and it made Billy feel lighter. 

His chest was warm and their knees were knocking into each other’s and Billy placed a gentle hand on Steve’s jaw and pulled him into a kiss. They had thought they were alone but Billy heard a small squeak at the door everyone had run out of. Billy looked back and saw red hair. If it were before, he probably would have been angry, but there was no more Neil and no more reason to be afraid so he just looked at her expectantly as she opened her mouth to say something.

“Sorry- they wanted me to tell you guys that we’re watching Ghostbusters!”

“Okay. We’ll be there in a minute,” Billy replied smoothly and Max smiled and ran back out of the room. He turned back to Steve and kissed him again. 

“I love you.” Steve blurted out when there was a pause and Billy was nose to nose with him, breathing a little heavier than a second ago- his lips red and big. And it wasn’t something they’ve said before but they’ve both felt it. For a long time now. 

“I love you too.” Billy responded and he was kissing him again and it must have been a lot longer than either of them felt. Because the smell of popcorn was drifting in from the other room, and everyone else’s voices had started to get loud again. They could hear Max shouting to wait for them before starting the movie. 

“That’s our cue, huh?” Steve asked as they both pulled away reluctantly and helped each other to their feet. With their hands still tightly clasped, they walked into the living room together; their mismatched and disorganized little family making room for them on the couch.

Billy thought back to that night- the one that led him to Steve’s house for the first time after Neil. His ribs bruised, his eye bright and black, and his hair cut to the scalp and frozen in the wind- he must have looked crazy. Staring up at the front door, climbing every step like it was a mountain. Tears in his eyes and blood running down his nose. And Steve still let him in. Cleaned him up. Changed his life.

And now they were curled up on the couch together- the warmth just shy of overwhelming. And Steve is running a hand through Billy’s curls and the whole room can see them and nobody cares about anything except where the popcorn bowl ended up. 

And Billy decides that love is stubborn. Because as long as he could have _this _, he didn’t need anything else.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that this story is actually finished! I stared at it for almost a year wondering what to do with it, but I like how it turned out. I hope everyone loves it and I'll see you in the next story!


End file.
